Springsteen

To this day when I hear that song
I see you standin' there all night long
Discount shades, store-bought tan, flip flops and cut off jeans
Somewhere between that set and the sun
I'm on fire, I'm born to run
You looked at me and I was done
Well, we're just gettin' started
I was singin' to you, you were singin' to me
I was so alive, never been more free
Fired up my daddy's lighter, we sang oh woah woah
Stayed there till' they forced us out,
Took the long way to your house,
I can still hear the sound of you sayin' don't go.

When I think about you, I think about seventeen
I think about my old jeep, I think about the stars in the sky
Funny how the melody sounds like a memory,
Like a soundtrack to a july saturday night.
Springsteen.

I bumped into you by happenstance,
Probably wouldn't even know who I am
But if I whispered your name I bet, still be a spark.
Back when I was gasoline, and this old tattoo had brand new ink,
And we didn't care what your momma thinks about your name on my arm.
Baby is it spring or is it summer,
The guitar sound or the beat of that drummer
You hear sometimes late at night on your radio.
Even though you're a million miles away,
When you hear Born In The USA,
You relive those glory days so long ago.

When you think about me, do you think about seventeen
Do you think about my old jeep, think about the stars in the sky
Funny how the melody sounds like a memory,
Like a soundtrack to a july saturday night.
Springsteen.

Springsteen

(X2)
Oh woah woahh oh
Oh woah woahh oh
Oh woah woahh oh oh oh

Funny how the melody sounds like a memory,
Like a soundtrack to a july saturday night.
Springsteen
Springsteen
Oh Springsteen

(X4)
Oh woah woahh oh
Oh woah woahh oh
Oh woah woahh oh oh oh

The Friend Zone.

Dating these days is so stinking complicated. But the sad thing is, is that it doesn't have to be! If we put aside our cell phones, tinder, facebook, and whatever other non-face-to-face thing we use then what would we have? Some would say nothing. Well then if that really is your answer then I feel bad for you! By the way, you're probably lacking in vitamin D if your life revolves around technology THAT much. Get outside and do something, eh? We would have better people skills, probably higher self-esteems, and more REAL friends.
I guess it's not that easy anymore, huh? So why do we complicate things? Why can't it just be 'going steady' or 'not going steady?' Or 'married' or 'not married?'
Instead we've got titles like girls are just one of the boys. Yeah right. Or some of us girls find it necessary to have one of those 'gay' friends (who is probably not gay at all...but just has really good style and won't make a move on you). Then there's that, "Oh, he's just like a brother (or sister) to me" those ones always end up getting married. Not sure why, because if he's like you're brother...well then marrying your brother is sick. Then there's make-out buddies, or 'friends with benefits'. BYU kids like to call it "NCMO" (Non-Commital Make-Outs). Obviously you wouldn't be kissing someone if you didn't have feelings for them! Maybe I'm just old-fashioned. But a kiss to me is like a, "hey, we're like...together (going steady) now...don't be kissin' no one else now, ya hear?" THEN, we have the 'complicated' status. Let's not jump into that shipwreck, the name should be enough for you. But wait, it gets worse. Then there's the friend zone... Dun, dun, duunnn....

This zoning of friends trend started a long, long time ago...
Let's take it back to Jr. High.
We'd seen movies, we've been told, we must have known that the smart kids were the ones that would end up making money. They would be the ones finishing college half way through high school, not having any student debt, and probably the ones with the biggest hearts too. And now that I'm a little older I can obviously see! Freak I screwed up! I made fun of boys who had braces and were super smart and I used them for better grades... All of them ended up in the friend zone and they also ended up super successful later in life... So why is it that they are the prime candidates for the friend zone?

What puts one in the friend zone, you ask?

They're the nice guys! The ones that don't want to seem pushy! They don't want to come on too strong...they might even feel more content by acting gay than professing their love and appreciation for you because who knows, maybe some girls don't love to hear that they are beautiful and worth something! Pansy boys... Well guess what, NICE GUYS FINISH LAST!!!

*Tip to you boys: if you want to get out of (or never enter) the friend zone don't be too shy! Be strong and let us know that you know how to handle a woman and she will probably let you handle her! ;) Also, don't be a tool. Don't 'accidentally' forget your wallet when taking a girl out. Do some activities she likes, anything but clothes/shoes/makeup shopping. That is friend zone territory! Don't assume she's one of the guys--ever. Because she's not. She's a girl and probably always will be. Cuddle with her while watching a movie one-on-one! Not just any friend will do that, and she knows that too. Don't let her get her own door, ask her out dates in person, and last but not least, BRING HER FLOWERS!!!! I can almost guarantee that she will melt in your arms!

 

So yeah those are all great words of advice...but the one thing that is puzzling me...and I am yet to understand is...

 

What happens when a girl gets 'Friend Zoned'?

 

Believe it or not, it can happen to girls. I'm saying this from personal experiences. Notice the 's' at the end of experience. Aaaaaand I have nothing to say to that. I am stumped and absolutely confused! A friend of mine kept asking me to come around, like all the time, and yet he still showed no interest. Why? I assumed he was shy. Nope, we talked about it. Turns out he threw me in the friend zone! Why, why, why did he do that!?!? What does a girl do when she gets thrown into the friend zone? If anyone has any comments please leave them here. I'm confused and find this quite silly actually!!

To that one person who reads everyone's blogs...yes you...*dun dun*

So the answer is yes! This is meant to be creepy and way odd and out there. Because that about sums up our friendship! But it has good purpose, I promise! Even if it is just for the sake of a few laughs. :) Enjoy!

So I'm not quite sure if this is correct... But I'm pretty sure that Rachelle and I officially became friends during cherry season about two years ago! We both got the best job there! We were the pit checkers!! All we had to do was go out every so often and check the cherries to make sure that no pits were coming through the machines. Easy. So we pretty much had some time on our hands. What did we do with all that free time you might wonder? Well other than talking about boys and whatnot, we would draw pictures! It was all fun and no feelings were intended to be hurt, I swear! We started this "Dear Napkin," and would just write funny little quotes or sayings on it. It was surprisingly a huge hit! So we took it the next step further... Rachelle, being the mean girl that she is, decided to start a burn book! Or a burn napkin, if you would. A nice burn book though. I'm not sure how she did it but she ended up quoting the Mean Girls movie and replaced their names with the names of our co-workers. In the best way possible, of course. Again, NO FEELINGS WERE INTENDED TO BE HURT!!!! One night, one of our co-workers (who was not mentioned in the burn book, whatsoever, because he's such a... anyways....) came up to me, not Rachelle, but ME with legit TEARS IN HIS EYES and a mad and confused look on his face. He charged right on up holding that stupid napkin that I wrote everything on and asked, "Why would you write this!? What kind of sick joke are you trying to pull?!" Oh Rachelle, you're such a good friend.... Tell me again why you didn't tell him that those were your words and that it WASN'T just me and why you let me take ALL. THE. BLAME....
I should've known right then and there that, that was just the beginning of our troubles.

In the midst of all that picture drawing and writing whatever, we would occasionally have to work. She was so nice, she would compliment me all the time about how good I smelt. She loved it. She would even sniff me at times! Just a little side note: my poor, little body was trying so hard to keep up with my new diet. It couldn't handle it at times. I was eating nothing but fruits and vegetables all day, every day. Wheat was out of my diet and dairy was on its way out! Lets just say that I was very, very gassy... all the time... There was just no stopping me! It hurt too bad to keep in and so sometimes it just found its way out... Unfortunately, Rachelle was usually around to get a whif of it. She'd say, "Merce you smell so good! Like a clean baby!" I was dying inside to tell her what that smell really was! Lol

Yes, she knows now and still remembers and loves the smell! hahaha Really though!

Rachelle and I have always been fortunate enough to be working the same job, sometimes at the same place...sometimes just down the street! But usually, we're doing the same thing at the same time! We did everything from call centers to cherries, hostessing to being sales associates and tellers too! My absolute most favorite memory of little miss Rachelle is when we were working at Dillard's together.

She was in the juniors department (cause she dresses her age) and I was in the womens department (cause I dress like I'm 60). From where I was stationed I could get a perfect view of her department!
So I called one phone on one side of her department. She was holding a ton of clothes that were easily taller than she was and she ran for that phone! As soon as I heard her say, "Juniors department..." I hung up and called the other line! She ran across the department with all the clothes in hand and hurried to answer the other phone! Same thing, as soon as she answered, I hung up! So I called the first line again! She STILL had the clothes in her hands and ran over to answer the phone! Same thing! And then I did it again! By this time I was absolutely DYING of laughter!! I called the other line one last time when she answered, "*trying to catch her breath* Juniors department, *more deep gasps* this is Rachelle..." Oh gosh I'm so mean to the noobs. So casually I walked over to her when I saw her just minding her own business. She didn't know she was just pranked!!! With this all replaying in my head I just couldn't help but burst out with laughter and tears while trying so hard to stay standing! She looks at me as if I've gotten sick or something then she decides to laugh with me! Then it was even funnier because she didn't know why we were laughing!! So she starts crying from laughter too and tries to ask me (now absolutely rolling around on the floor from inability to stay standing) what we were laughing about! It was so hard to tell her how it was me making her run from each side of the department to the other! But of course I did... And of course we laughed even harder!

Oh man...

Even though she totally didn't stand up for me at cherries... and she grabs my elbow in a way that makes me want to smack her face... and she truly doesn't know how to finish a word... and she's two feet shorter than I... and she says "dun dun" after everything... and she likes the way my farts smell... and she's incredibly gullible... and all she does is facebook stalk everyone... and read blogs... and is white on the inside... I don't know where Payson would be without that girl! Probably non-existant, really. And I don't know where I would be without this chica! Or if I would have any other memories as good as these ones!
Thanks so much Rash for bein you!
Lol

For only two days, he was mine.

The next morning came and I was woke up by a nurse, a nice one. She told me that there were a few tests that they had to do and that if I wanted any breakfast, I best be ordering that like now-ish! So I stood up, my legs were kind of shaky...but what do you expect after having a kid? I searched for the menu, picked up the phone to call the cafeteria when I felt something warm on my feet...

Yeah.

I was standing in a puddle of pee and I didn't even know it came out.

So instead of calling the cafeteria I called a nurse and told her, "We need a clean up on isle...(room number I was in)... I just laughed. I could already tell that this was going to be a life-long problem. The nurses assured me that it goes away in about 6 weeks. Boy were they wrong! Anyway, they had me take a shower and just brought me a little something to eat and a nice little gift with that. :) On a giant roller thing came my new little baby all wrapped up and super clean and healthy! I was so happy to see him! After my bladder gained a little bit of feeling, I could tell that if I made ANY movement, it would let everything loose. I could walk around, like my legs were fine... But my poor bladder... So yes, I got to wear a diaper. That day I showered about three times! Ugh, such an inconvenience. I wanted to spend every second I could with Cole!

That was the day that I had visitors come! There was my friend Briana who only wanted a pic with the baby and not with me... :-/ Max's family, my family, Grandma and Grandpa, the new parents, and of course, Gary. I'm sure there were more but those are just a few I remember! Ha, I got a picture of Allen (My uncle Max's boy) he's saying, "Is this my new baby brother??" hahaha

Sorry Allen... haha

Gary was there for most of the day, just to make sure I was doing okay. He held the baby while I cried behind a pillow because I didn't want to cry in front of him, not yet. The the nurse came in and ruined their special bonding moment. The nurse says, "So how's the bleeding? Has it stopped? And how about your bladder? Are you still peeing every time you move?" Well Gary there ya go! hahaha Layin' it all out on the table!! I was SO EMBARRASSED!! This is the boy I liked! I wanted to impress him!! Not scare him away... (Good luck doing that in this situation...)

So for that whole day I don't think that I got more than an hour with holding the baby. Then nighttime came too soon and they took him back to the nursery.

 

The next day, I thought I heard him cry so I waddled out of bed and practically ran to the nursery. When I got there I saw that he was actually just sleeping and about to have some more tests done. So I sat and watched while they styled his long hair and then started the tests. This was it. This was the last day that he would be mine. I made it clear to everyone that I didn't want anyone here.

Except for Gary.

He ditched school to be with me for most of the day.

But this was my day to have the baby all to myself. All for just one day. The only thing I wanted to do was just to hold him. All day long. We slept. I got to change his diaper. I fed him. I did his hair. We slept some more. And then he just layed on my chest.

 

It was time.

 

His new parents were here with a giant bundle of flowers, probably to say thank you. My case worker was doing everything she could to let me know that I could keep the baby. I was so irritated and just wanted to be alone with him some more! My time wasn't long enough!! My case worker saw that and understood that, so she excused everyone from the room. This was the time when I got to decide if this was right, or not. So holding the baby, I looked into his eyes, he was awake for the first time that day... I told him that I loved him. I know, I just know that he understood. I said a prayer and was filled with so much joy and happiness I knew that he was theirs. I wanted him, I really did. I don't think that any mother wants to give away her child. But he belonged to them. I put all trust and energy in The Lord and I don't believe that it was me that handed over the baby. So happy, I just cried. This was beautiful. I was completing a family. They couldn't do it on their own and I helped them.

I signed the papers.

His last name changed.

And then I was rolled out of the hospital in a wheel chair.

 

I was staying at my grandparents, who were out of town. My grandpa's mom had just passed away, just in time for this new miracle to come into this world. I walked into my room to see it absolutely filled with gifts, chocolates, food, cards, and flowers.

I couldn't believe that anyone would actually support me.

 

 

Thank you for everyone that helped out. I couldn't have gotten by without any of you. And thank you for all of you reading this, it means so much to me that you have taken time out of your day to read my story.

I love Cole, I love his family. If I could go back and change anything... I don't think I would. Well, maybe I would drink more water to try and avoid all these stretch marks!

Have a happy Friday everybody. :)



Bitter-sweet memories with the baby.

So this profile picture is one of my favorites. That's a little boy in that pic with me. He was so big for his age back then, and still is! I gave birth to him a month before that picture was taken. I don't remember what all happened, it was all so quick...it's all kind of a blur now. The only thing I have to remind me that I gave birth to a stud muffin are the tiger stripes on my belly! I know I've mentioned him quite a bit in this blog but I've never really gone into details about this kid. Here's a little something I'd like to share with all of you who are interested in what happened during those few days that he was mine.

It was a Saturday night when I was waddling down to the Santaquin park to meet up with Gary. It was awkward but he was cool about the whole thing. I told him I couldn't do it, and that I didn't want to... I knew it was right for the baby so I did it, of course. The next day I was so nervous I couldn't eat. I was suppose to be to the hospital by the late afternoon and couldn't find an appetite in me... Until I got checked into the hospital, I. Was. STARVING!! So my dad went out to get me a cheese burger from McDonalds. How sweet. In the meanwhile, I got to hang out with the baby's new parents and do my last interview on them. They are the friendliest and most loving people I have ever met! Of course, I'm sure they felt just as nervous as me, knowing that if they screwed up even a little bit I could decide to not give them the baby. They were a great support though and I'm so glad they were there!
The nurse that was helping me that night must have been just finishing her shift because she was mean.... Trust me, when you're giving birth, you don't want a mean nurse!! With pillows awkwardly placed under my back and monitors strapped to my stomach, I couldn't sleep. The next morning they started the process! They put this cool balloon inside of me to help open me up. Not even two hours later my bed was wet, I thought that the balloon popped and that I had peed all over the bed and made a complete mess, but no.

My water broke. :)

You know what that means! Contractions and anesthesiologists!!

Haha, my poor anesthesiologist scared the living day-lights out of everyone! Picture this: My backside is facing him (who I thought was to be a stranger) when he says, "Man, I use to LOVE watching you cheer! They would throw you all around! And then you would do those tricks in my pool too! Man, those were the good days!" While he's shoving this gigantic needle into my spine!
Everyone else in the room and I just went silent. Our eyes all met each other's and shared the same "WTF?!" expression. Turns out he was one of my good friends dad! Haha Nothing to worry about!

No creeps running around with needles this time!

See, I was hoping that this could be a painless procedure so I wouldn't get any attachment feelings about the delivery and want to keep the baby. Back then, I was honestly thinking that I could just push him out of me and give him away without even looking at him. Not sure what I was thinking. And that's definitely not what happened! Oh, I was so naive.

But then...I felt something. And I felt it again. The nurse re-adjusted my pillows and I could only push the "HOLY HECK I'M IN PAIN" button once every half hour. I was in so much pain so I kept pressing the dang button! It was only getting worse!! I decided right then that I would just skip the needle in the spine step next time and just do it all natural! That was too much of a hassle! So we brought the big dog (the anesthesiologist) back in, everything seemed to be okay, but wait, the tube that was feeding me my delicious drugs had come unscrewed. There goes all my precious numbing meds onto the floor... Freak.
Feeling much better a few hours later, I was allowed to start pushing. In all honesty, I didn't do any of the pushing. There was my grandma (who's never had a baby) pushing my feet and making intimidating football player faces at me... I think she was pushing for me....literally. I just slept in between intervals.
Every time the nurses would leave the room I would chug down a cup or two of lemonade. They said I couldn't have any so I had to drink it while they were away! I was so tired and thirsty!!
The baby had his head almost out while the doctor was massaging me to help prevent major tearing, he said, "That a girl!!" haha I screamed, "WHAT!?!? You said it was a BOY!!!!" Obviously a little misunderstanding! We laughed and then I casually asked for one of them blue bags. Yep. I threw up... For the first time the ENTIRE PREGNANCY!! I know this is so gross but it tasted SO GOOD!!! I looked in the bag to see what was so delicious when I saw something kind of just floating there... A pickle? Hmm. So I guess that with the sugar they pump into me for energy and all the lemonade I was consuming, it came out super good. Who would've thought?
The baby finally made his way out of me and in all honesty, it felt like a wet, cooked noodle slipping through my fingers... Only a little bigger and from between my legs. He came out smiling when the nurses slapped some sense into him! He only cried for a minute and then got back to smiling. Already we knew that he was going to be a ladies man... seeing as the room was filled with us ladies! I let the mom watch this process since she couldn't have kids either and she didn't get to see her first kid's birth. It was just to help them be able to connect better. We all agreed on a name, Cole. Cole David Poole (until the papers were signed and he was theirs). He was a bright-eyed boy with very long, dark, and straight hair. Here are just a couple pics :)

Cole was born at 9:13 pm on 4/4/11 weighing just under 8 lbs.

He's adorable, really! It was such a good experience. Look out for the next few blogs, there'll be one for the two days following that. A lot happened on those days so it'll be lengthy! Then there's a one month meeting, a six month meeting and a one year meeting. I've got lots of pics and details. And I know this is totally off the subject but I couldn't have gotten through any of this if it wasn't for Gary being there for me. I think that, that is what he was suppose to be there for...and that may have been it. So thank you Gary, even though we can't make things work now, we did then. So thank you a million times for being that great support system for me. You'll all see in the pictures later why I had to throw that in there, it's because Gary's in all of them. :] 

Thank you for reading this one! Things are definitely looking up for me so thanks for (sort of) being a part of it! Have a good Wednesday all!! And to Cole, I love you so much!!

It's been hard enough on me..

You let me into your life on a whim and there was magic and fire in the night. In loving I was just a little boy. I made mistakes that caused you so much pain. All I know is that I'm older now...
Some people think that it's best to refrain from the conventions of old-fashioned love. Their hearts are filled with holes and emptiness. They tell themselves that they're too young to settle down. But I promise that I'm older now.
And this has been hard enough on you. I know it's been hard enough on me. Been telling myself that I can roll with the changes...
And when the water gets high above your head, darling don't you see? While this has been hard enough on you. It's been hard enough on me
I wasn't looking when we built these walls. Let me spread my dreams at your feet. Let’s not let time’s bitter flood rise, before my thoughts begin to run. I think I'm getting older now...
And this has been hard enough on you. I know it's been hard enough on me, been telling myself that I can roll with the changes. And when the water gets high above your head darling don't you see? While this has been hard enough on you...It's been hard enough on me.
Can't stand the thought of another, talking to you sweet my dear. Where would I be tonight if you hadn't held me here, in your arms?
And this has been hard enough on you. I know it's been hard enough on me, been telling myself that I can roll with the changes... And when the water gets high above your head darling don't you see?While this has been hard enough on you...
It's been hard enough on me.

-Brandon Flowers

This is a good song, I feel like it's been one that I could always relate to, no matter what was going on. I love this kind of music. It's so real, kind of like country music...but not... I find so many songs that I just wish someone could sing to me, this is definitely one of them. Brandon Flowers is one of my heroes. He's a Mormon singer from Las Vegas and is able to hold his own while bearing his testimony on TV and keeping his fans loyal. Maybe not 100% of his songs are appropriate but hey, I would say about 90% of them are! This is good music. If you think otherwise *Gary* you don't have to be in my life. Because this is part of who I am. Actually, it's almost all of who I am. This (music..all music) is what I'm so passionate about. My life doesn't revolve around boys, family, money, clothes... It revolves around music. And you know what? The Beatles are alright. They're just not my first choice! This is my first choice. In the end, this is what gets me through the hard times. With a little help from the man upstairs too, of course!... (hence the appropriate music 90% of the time!) lol
Music is my coping mechanism. If I do have a hard time, which is like ALL THE FLIPPING TIME, I can promise that I'll be listening to something loud... something inappropriate... probably screamo! Haha Just kidding. Honestly, it's usually Taylor Swift or The Killers. Both are fairly appropriate. ;)
In the end as long as I can sing anything out loud, very loud to anything, chances are... I'm going to be okay.

And I think I will. I think I'll be okay.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, have an awesome Monday everybody!

Me? Jealous?? ...NEVER.

Just to start this out, I'm going to let you all know that I am very human. And in being so, come some traits that I would love to not really have, one of those being jealousy.

Some say that jealousy is good because it shows that you (being the jealous one) really love that person. It could also mean that you don't trust them. Or it could be that you're selfish and don't want to share that special person.
I'd like to think that my situation pertains to the first one.
Gary called me when he got off work. He just worked over 12 hours, in the rain, moving some strangers wet and heavy furniture... It couldn't possibly be fun. He was very tired and wanted nothing but McDonalds.
So there's me, dying to spend time with my once sweetheart. I'll probably do anything just to be with him in hopes to re-live those better times. Pathetic, I know. Even though I know that he's had nothing but fast food all day, every day... for the past... 2 years, I reluctantly get him a #1, a large with lemonade. While driving there he showed me a picture of some silly looking girl with eyes larger than life and a ring on her left ring finger that was probably bigger than her eyes. He said he loves her. I don't know her but if he loves her, I think I should get to know her. I gasped! She is SO LUCKY! He says, "Luck is winning the lottery...she has a career!"
Yeah, I got the hint. And the slap in the face.
So I didn't do MATC in high school. And I took three years on a two-year degree. And  yeah I got a little bit of debt in doing so... Does that mean that I'm not a catch?
We go back to his apartment and turn on Dr. Who. He wouldn't let me sit close to him... I guess this is our compromise for having 'space' in our relationship. So I sit on the couch next to his (haha). He got his new instrument out and played a few songs for me. He's very talented. When he finished he asked me a few times to go home so he could go to bed... but then his phone rang. It was a cute ring, probably unlike the one that comes up when I call.
It was his best friend. His ex. No, not me.
The other one.
The pretty one.
The one he sometimes unconsciously compares me to.
She asked him to come to her rescue, not in those words, I'm sure. I didn't know the situation so I asked to come. He looked at me as if I was freaking retarded and then politely said, "No..." I was confused and surprisingly, not hurt. He kissed me goodbye which was different for us, well, it was on the cheek.
I'm proud of him! And happy for her! I'm so glad that she has such a good guy in her life that'll be there for her no matter what.
I don't know if this is how I'm suppose to be feeling.
Happily, I drove home, anxious to take off that crappy nail polish and to put on something not so gaudy. He wasn't really on my mind till I walked into my apartment and words just spilled out of my mouth... "So he's with his ex right now, comforting her while she cries because her boyfriend is less than impressive..." Right then it hit me.
He loves her.
I think he might actually be in love with her.
I've always known it, and he'll say it! I just chose to kind of...ignore it. Wouldn't anyone?
I've heard many rumours about them and he's told me enough...but I trust him! Just like I expect him to trust me, which he doesn't. But that's irrelevant.
I keep telling myself that he's just chilling with her and her family, like he always does... But in the back of my mind I (try not to) picture us in a similar situation. When our emotions get heated, naturally, we close any space between us just for comfort. Call me jealous to assume, but it's not unheard of between the two of them...

Yep. I called him. It's been two hours and he said he'd call me when he was done. No call. But he did answer! I wanted to ask him if he was asking me to leave so many times just so he could see her... But I didn't. Something worse came out. I asked if he kissed her! He laughed...
Note to self: when you ask your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend (whatever he is) if he kissed another girl, and all he does is laugh... it's usually not a good sign. So I asked if she was alright and he said yes and that they were just in the grocery store...buying ice cream...
Am I the only one thinking, "WTF?" So I asked him to get me some while he was at it. He called me crazy and said goodbye about 8 times before we actually did hang up...

So what do I do? How am I suppose to feel? Is this natural? Am I being too calm? Am I being too crazy? :-/
Someone please tell me I'm normal! It's okay to worry, right??
Is she over-stepping her boundaries? Am I? Ugh.
I'm going to blame this all on love and stupid jealousy.

He. Called. Me. FAT!!!

Ever since about the day before the 4th of July (so like four days ago from when I'm writing this) he (Gary) started calling me fat. I don't get it. Doesn't he know what that does to a girl's...or ANYONE'S self-esteem!?!? That is a giant no-no. That's like a girl telling a guy his... nevermind. It just hurts, okay? So yeah, now I'm looking in the mirror like, "Oh, yeah I see that cellulite. If I push my skin down this way it makes..."

What?

I know this is crazy and shocking to hear but I'M NORMAL!!! And I'm sure he won't believe me when he reads this but honey, I'm only human.

He has this problem where he remembers me from when I was like 17 and had 13% body fat... Well news flash sweetheart, I aint 17 no more! That was FIVE YEARS AGO!!!
I'm a freakin' WOMAN now!!!
I've got curves! And no, they're not all rock solid anymore! They're...flattering.

Oh you're talking about my scarred and stretched stomach? Oh you're right. I'm a hippo... ??

Two summers ago when our relationship was raging like the river into the Santaquin res. I was having a very hard time. Obviously. That's right after I had a kid and my body went into shock. Who's wouldn't, right? So basically I couldn't eat. I was tiny and starving. I couldn't even fit into my size zero jeans. It was ridiculous. But Gary LOVED it!!! He would tell me all the time, "You're so tiny! I love it!" as he would give my waist a giant bear hug. Of course, I liked my size too...And don't get me wrong, I do miss him treating me like that...I just wasn't too happy about having to buy a new wardrobe and having nothing to eat without getting sick. But the second I found things to eat... Let's just say I had to buy another wardrobe! I'm just kidding. :) We went to Gold's Gym and signed two years of our lives and our wallets down the drain. We got those stupid memberships to be together.

I think we've been there five times together. Our passes expire next month.

I definitely grew into a womanly shape. And it's not even round!! I will not complain. My clothes fit. Sure I could run a little bit more, cut down on the ice-cream... But come on, that takes effort. And besides! I've always had a little bit of a pudge on my belly. I. AM. NOT. ASHAMED. HE, on the other hand has grown from a 30 being too big on his butt to a 35 that barely fits! I would never tell him that he's gaining weight. I only encourage him to go to the gym with me!

Ugh.

I've always averaged a healthy 110 to 120. Right now I'm at 117. I can run an 8 minute mile, see my MapMyRun app. It'll tell you so. My pant size is 2 and my shirts are small. I'm not really a giant like he makes me out to be! I guess I'm not perfectly toned...and I could improve my posture to make me not look so large...heaven forbid. Maybe I'm not perfectly toned but I'm comfortable.

Isn't that all that counts in the end??   

Out Of My Mind

You called me on the phone today,
Said those words you always say and I cried
I've gotta figure out what's going on
Inside this head of mine, I try
I'm going crazy thinkin' 'bout the way
I shouldn't have left it all behind
But now I'm gone and somethings wrong
I changed my mind

I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind

I saw you just the other day
Those feelings never went away
And I smiled
I told you I'll be back
And I want us to be friends
And we'll be alright
Don't know what to say
It's getting harder everyday
But it takes time
You should know I'm coming home, standby

I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind

And as the time passes by I fall asleep,  without you by my side
I go out of my mind
Remembering the way we were before.
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind
Oh no, no no no, ooh, ooh
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time