You let me into your life on a whim and there was magic and fire in the night. In loving I was just a little boy. I made mistakes that caused you so much pain. All I know is that I'm older now...
Some people think that it's best to refrain from the conventions of old-fashioned love. Their hearts are filled with holes and emptiness. They tell themselves that they're too young to settle down. But I promise that I'm older now.
And this has been hard enough on you. I know it's been hard enough on me. Been telling myself that I can roll with the changes...
And when the water gets high above your head, darling don't you see? While this has been hard enough on you. It's been hard enough on me
I wasn't looking when we built these walls. Let me spread my dreams at your feet. Let’s not let time’s bitter flood rise, before my thoughts begin to run. I think I'm getting older now...
And this has been hard enough on you. I know it's been hard enough on me, been telling myself that I can roll with the changes. And when the water gets high above your head darling don't you see? While this has been hard enough on you...It's been hard enough on me.
Can't stand the thought of another, talking to you sweet my dear. Where would I be tonight if you hadn't held me here, in your arms?
And this has been hard enough on you. I know it's been hard enough on me, been telling myself that I can roll with the changes... And when the water gets high above your head darling don't you see?While this has been hard enough on you...
It's been hard enough on me.
-Brandon Flowers
This is a good song, I feel like it's been one that I could always relate to, no matter what was going on. I love this kind of music. It's so real, kind of like country music...but not... I find so many songs that I just wish someone could sing to me, this is definitely one of them. Brandon Flowers is one of my heroes. He's a Mormon singer from Las Vegas and is able to hold his own while bearing his testimony on TV and keeping his fans loyal. Maybe not 100% of his songs are appropriate but hey, I would say about 90% of them are! This is good music. If you think otherwise *Gary* you don't have to be in my life. Because this is part of who I am. Actually, it's almost all of who I am. This (music..all music) is what I'm so passionate about. My life doesn't revolve around boys, family, money, clothes... It revolves around music. And you know what? The Beatles are alright. They're just not my first choice! This is my first choice. In the end, this is what gets me through the hard times. With a little help from the man upstairs too, of course!... (hence the appropriate music 90% of the time!) lol
Music is my coping mechanism. If I do have a hard time, which is like ALL THE FLIPPING TIME, I can promise that I'll be listening to something loud... something inappropriate... probably screamo! Haha Just kidding. Honestly, it's usually Taylor Swift or The Killers. Both are fairly appropriate. ;)
In the end as long as I can sing anything out loud, very loud to anything, chances are... I'm going to be okay.
And I think I will. I think I'll be okay.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, have an awesome Monday everybody!
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
Me? Jealous?? ...NEVER.
Just to start this out, I'm going to let you all know that I am very human. And in being so, come some traits that I would love to not really have, one of those being jealousy.
Some say that jealousy is good because it shows that you (being the jealous one) really love that person. It could also mean that you don't trust them. Or it could be that you're selfish and don't want to share that special person.
I'd like to think that my situation pertains to the first one.
Gary called me when he got off work. He just worked over 12 hours, in the rain, moving some strangers wet and heavy furniture... It couldn't possibly be fun. He was very tired and wanted nothing but McDonalds.
So there's me, dying to spend time with my once sweetheart. I'll probably do anything just to be with him in hopes to re-live those better times. Pathetic, I know. Even though I know that he's had nothing but fast food all day, every day... for the past... 2 years, I reluctantly get him a #1, a large with lemonade. While driving there he showed me a picture of some silly looking girl with eyes larger than life and a ring on her left ring finger that was probably bigger than her eyes. He said he loves her. I don't know her but if he loves her, I think I should get to know her. I gasped! She is SO LUCKY! He says, "Luck is winning the lottery...she has a career!"
Yeah, I got the hint. And the slap in the face.
So I didn't do MATC in high school. And I took three years on a two-year degree. And yeah I got a little bit of debt in doing so... Does that mean that I'm not a catch?
We go back to his apartment and turn on Dr. Who. He wouldn't let me sit close to him... I guess this is our compromise for having 'space' in our relationship. So I sit on the couch next to his (haha). He got his new instrument out and played a few songs for me. He's very talented. When he finished he asked me a few times to go home so he could go to bed... but then his phone rang. It was a cute ring, probably unlike the one that comes up when I call.
It was his best friend. His ex. No, not me.
The other one.
The pretty one.
The one he sometimes unconsciously compares me to.
She asked him to come to her rescue, not in those words, I'm sure. I didn't know the situation so I asked to come. He looked at me as if I was freaking retarded and then politely said, "No..." I was confused and surprisingly, not hurt. He kissed me goodbye which was different for us, well, it was on the cheek.
I'm proud of him! And happy for her! I'm so glad that she has such a good guy in her life that'll be there for her no matter what.
I don't know if this is how I'm suppose to be feeling.
Happily, I drove home, anxious to take off that crappy nail polish and to put on something not so gaudy. He wasn't really on my mind till I walked into my apartment and words just spilled out of my mouth... "So he's with his ex right now, comforting her while she cries because her boyfriend is less than impressive..." Right then it hit me.
He loves her.
I think he might actually be in love with her.
I've always known it, and he'll say it! I just chose to kind of...ignore it. Wouldn't anyone?
I've heard many rumours about them and he's told me enough...but I trust him! Just like I expect him to trust me, which he doesn't. But that's irrelevant.
I keep telling myself that he's just chilling with her and her family, like he always does... But in the back of my mind I (try not to) picture us in a similar situation. When our emotions get heated, naturally, we close any space between us just for comfort. Call me jealous to assume, but it's not unheard of between the two of them...
Yep. I called him. It's been two hours and he said he'd call me when he was done. No call. But he did answer! I wanted to ask him if he was asking me to leave so many times just so he could see her... But I didn't. Something worse came out. I asked if he kissed her! He laughed...
Note to self: when you ask your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend (whatever he is) if he kissed another girl, and all he does is laugh... it's usually not a good sign. So I asked if she was alright and he said yes and that they were just in the grocery store...buying ice cream...
Am I the only one thinking, "WTF?" So I asked him to get me some while he was at it. He called me crazy and said goodbye about 8 times before we actually did hang up...
So what do I do? How am I suppose to feel? Is this natural? Am I being too calm? Am I being too crazy? :-/
Someone please tell me I'm normal! It's okay to worry, right??
Is she over-stepping her boundaries? Am I? Ugh.
I'm going to blame this all on love and stupid jealousy.
Some say that jealousy is good because it shows that you (being the jealous one) really love that person. It could also mean that you don't trust them. Or it could be that you're selfish and don't want to share that special person.
I'd like to think that my situation pertains to the first one.
Gary called me when he got off work. He just worked over 12 hours, in the rain, moving some strangers wet and heavy furniture... It couldn't possibly be fun. He was very tired and wanted nothing but McDonalds.
So there's me, dying to spend time with my once sweetheart. I'll probably do anything just to be with him in hopes to re-live those better times. Pathetic, I know. Even though I know that he's had nothing but fast food all day, every day... for the past... 2 years, I reluctantly get him a #1, a large with lemonade. While driving there he showed me a picture of some silly looking girl with eyes larger than life and a ring on her left ring finger that was probably bigger than her eyes. He said he loves her. I don't know her but if he loves her, I think I should get to know her. I gasped! She is SO LUCKY! He says, "Luck is winning the lottery...she has a career!"
Yeah, I got the hint. And the slap in the face.
So I didn't do MATC in high school. And I took three years on a two-year degree. And yeah I got a little bit of debt in doing so... Does that mean that I'm not a catch?
We go back to his apartment and turn on Dr. Who. He wouldn't let me sit close to him... I guess this is our compromise for having 'space' in our relationship. So I sit on the couch next to his (haha). He got his new instrument out and played a few songs for me. He's very talented. When he finished he asked me a few times to go home so he could go to bed... but then his phone rang. It was a cute ring, probably unlike the one that comes up when I call.
It was his best friend. His ex. No, not me.
The other one.
The pretty one.
The one he sometimes unconsciously compares me to.
She asked him to come to her rescue, not in those words, I'm sure. I didn't know the situation so I asked to come. He looked at me as if I was freaking retarded and then politely said, "No..." I was confused and surprisingly, not hurt. He kissed me goodbye which was different for us, well, it was on the cheek.
I'm proud of him! And happy for her! I'm so glad that she has such a good guy in her life that'll be there for her no matter what.
I don't know if this is how I'm suppose to be feeling.
Happily, I drove home, anxious to take off that crappy nail polish and to put on something not so gaudy. He wasn't really on my mind till I walked into my apartment and words just spilled out of my mouth... "So he's with his ex right now, comforting her while she cries because her boyfriend is less than impressive..." Right then it hit me.
He loves her.
I think he might actually be in love with her.
I've always known it, and he'll say it! I just chose to kind of...ignore it. Wouldn't anyone?
I've heard many rumours about them and he's told me enough...but I trust him! Just like I expect him to trust me, which he doesn't. But that's irrelevant.
I keep telling myself that he's just chilling with her and her family, like he always does... But in the back of my mind I (try not to) picture us in a similar situation. When our emotions get heated, naturally, we close any space between us just for comfort. Call me jealous to assume, but it's not unheard of between the two of them...
Yep. I called him. It's been two hours and he said he'd call me when he was done. No call. But he did answer! I wanted to ask him if he was asking me to leave so many times just so he could see her... But I didn't. Something worse came out. I asked if he kissed her! He laughed...
Note to self: when you ask your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend (whatever he is) if he kissed another girl, and all he does is laugh... it's usually not a good sign. So I asked if she was alright and he said yes and that they were just in the grocery store...buying ice cream...
Am I the only one thinking, "WTF?" So I asked him to get me some while he was at it. He called me crazy and said goodbye about 8 times before we actually did hang up...
So what do I do? How am I suppose to feel? Is this natural? Am I being too calm? Am I being too crazy? :-/
Someone please tell me I'm normal! It's okay to worry, right??
Is she over-stepping her boundaries? Am I? Ugh.
I'm going to blame this all on love and stupid jealousy.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
He. Called. Me. FAT!!!
Ever since about the day before the 4th of July (so like four days ago from when I'm writing this) he (Gary) started calling me fat. I don't get it. Doesn't he know what that does to a girl's...or ANYONE'S self-esteem!?!? That is a giant no-no. That's like a girl telling a guy his... nevermind. It just hurts, okay? So yeah, now I'm looking in the mirror like, "Oh, yeah I see that cellulite. If I push my skin down this way it makes..."
What?
I know this is crazy and shocking to hear but I'M NORMAL!!! And I'm sure he won't believe me when he reads this but honey, I'm only human.
He has this problem where he remembers me from when I was like 17 and had 13% body fat... Well news flash sweetheart, I aint 17 no more! That was FIVE YEARS AGO!!!
I'm a freakin' WOMAN now!!!
I've got curves! And no, they're not all rock solid anymore! They're...flattering.
Oh you're talking about my scarred and stretched stomach? Oh you're right. I'm a hippo... ??
Two summers ago when our relationship was raging like the river into the Santaquin res. I was having a very hard time. Obviously. That's right after I had a kid and my body went into shock. Who's wouldn't, right? So basically I couldn't eat. I was tiny and starving. I couldn't even fit into my size zero jeans. It was ridiculous. But Gary LOVED it!!! He would tell me all the time, "You're so tiny! I love it!" as he would give my waist a giant bear hug. Of course, I liked my size too...And don't get me wrong, I do miss him treating me like that...I just wasn't too happy about having to buy a new wardrobe and having nothing to eat without getting sick. But the second I found things to eat... Let's just say I had to buy another wardrobe! I'm just kidding. :) We went to Gold's Gym and signed two years of our lives and our wallets down the drain. We got those stupid memberships to be together.
I think we've been there five times together. Our passes expire next month.
I definitely grew into a womanly shape. And it's not even round!! I will not complain. My clothes fit. Sure I could run a little bit more, cut down on the ice-cream... But come on, that takes effort. And besides! I've always had a little bit of a pudge on my belly. I. AM. NOT. ASHAMED. HE, on the other hand has grown from a 30 being too big on his butt to a 35 that barely fits! I would never tell him that he's gaining weight. I only encourage him to go to the gym with me!
Ugh.
I've always averaged a healthy 110 to 120. Right now I'm at 117. I can run an 8 minute mile, see my MapMyRun app. It'll tell you so. My pant size is 2 and my shirts are small. I'm not really a giant like he makes me out to be! I guess I'm not perfectly toned...and I could improve my posture to make me not look so large...heaven forbid. Maybe I'm not perfectly toned but I'm comfortable.
Isn't that all that counts in the end??
What?
I know this is crazy and shocking to hear but I'M NORMAL!!! And I'm sure he won't believe me when he reads this but honey, I'm only human.
He has this problem where he remembers me from when I was like 17 and had 13% body fat... Well news flash sweetheart, I aint 17 no more! That was FIVE YEARS AGO!!!
I'm a freakin' WOMAN now!!!
I've got curves! And no, they're not all rock solid anymore! They're...flattering.
Oh you're talking about my scarred and stretched stomach? Oh you're right. I'm a hippo... ??
Two summers ago when our relationship was raging like the river into the Santaquin res. I was having a very hard time. Obviously. That's right after I had a kid and my body went into shock. Who's wouldn't, right? So basically I couldn't eat. I was tiny and starving. I couldn't even fit into my size zero jeans. It was ridiculous. But Gary LOVED it!!! He would tell me all the time, "You're so tiny! I love it!" as he would give my waist a giant bear hug. Of course, I liked my size too...And don't get me wrong, I do miss him treating me like that...I just wasn't too happy about having to buy a new wardrobe and having nothing to eat without getting sick. But the second I found things to eat... Let's just say I had to buy another wardrobe! I'm just kidding. :) We went to Gold's Gym and signed two years of our lives and our wallets down the drain. We got those stupid memberships to be together.
I think we've been there five times together. Our passes expire next month.
I definitely grew into a womanly shape. And it's not even round!! I will not complain. My clothes fit. Sure I could run a little bit more, cut down on the ice-cream... But come on, that takes effort. And besides! I've always had a little bit of a pudge on my belly. I. AM. NOT. ASHAMED. HE, on the other hand has grown from a 30 being too big on his butt to a 35 that barely fits! I would never tell him that he's gaining weight. I only encourage him to go to the gym with me!
Ugh.
I've always averaged a healthy 110 to 120. Right now I'm at 117. I can run an 8 minute mile, see my MapMyRun app. It'll tell you so. My pant size is 2 and my shirts are small. I'm not really a giant like he makes me out to be! I guess I'm not perfectly toned...and I could improve my posture to make me not look so large...heaven forbid. Maybe I'm not perfectly toned but I'm comfortable.
Isn't that all that counts in the end??
Out Of My Mind
You called me on the phone today,
Said those words you always say and I cried
I've gotta figure out what's going on
Inside this head of mine, I try
I'm going crazy thinkin' 'bout the way
I shouldn't have left it all behind
But now I'm gone and somethings wrong
I changed my mind
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind
I saw you just the other day
Those feelings never went away
And I smiled
I told you I'll be back
And I want us to be friends
And we'll be alright
Don't know what to say
It's getting harder everyday
But it takes time
You should know I'm coming home, standby
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind
And as the time passes by I fall asleep, without you by my side
I go out of my mind
Remembering the way we were before.
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind
Oh no, no no no, ooh, ooh
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
Said those words you always say and I cried
I've gotta figure out what's going on
Inside this head of mine, I try
I'm going crazy thinkin' 'bout the way
I shouldn't have left it all behind
But now I'm gone and somethings wrong
I changed my mind
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind
I saw you just the other day
Those feelings never went away
And I smiled
I told you I'll be back
And I want us to be friends
And we'll be alright
Don't know what to say
It's getting harder everyday
But it takes time
You should know I'm coming home, standby
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind
And as the time passes by I fall asleep, without you by my side
I go out of my mind
Remembering the way we were before.
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind
Oh no, no no no, ooh, ooh
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
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