Just to start this out, I'm going to let you all know that I am very human. And in being so, come some traits that I would love to not really have, one of those being jealousy.
Some say that jealousy is good because it shows that you (being the jealous one) really love that person. It could also mean that you don't trust them. Or it could be that you're selfish and don't want to share that special person.
I'd like to think that my situation pertains to the first one.
Gary called me when he got off work. He just worked over 12 hours, in the rain, moving some strangers wet and heavy furniture... It couldn't possibly be fun. He was very tired and wanted nothing but McDonalds.
So there's me, dying to spend time with my once sweetheart. I'll probably do anything just to be with him in hopes to re-live those better times. Pathetic, I know. Even though I know that he's had nothing but fast food all day, every day... for the past... 2 years, I reluctantly get him a #1, a large with lemonade. While driving there he showed me a picture of some silly looking girl with eyes larger than life and a ring on her left ring finger that was probably bigger than her eyes. He said he loves her. I don't know her but if he loves her, I think I should get to know her. I gasped! She is SO LUCKY! He says, "Luck is winning the lottery...she has a career!"
Yeah, I got the hint. And the slap in the face.
So I didn't do MATC in high school. And I took three years on a two-year degree. And yeah I got a little bit of debt in doing so... Does that mean that I'm not a catch?
We go back to his apartment and turn on Dr. Who. He wouldn't let me sit close to him... I guess this is our compromise for having 'space' in our relationship. So I sit on the couch next to his (haha). He got his new instrument out and played a few songs for me. He's very talented. When he finished he asked me a few times to go home so he could go to bed... but then his phone rang. It was a cute ring, probably unlike the one that comes up when I call.
It was his best friend. His ex. No, not me.
The other one.
The pretty one.
The one he sometimes unconsciously compares me to.
She asked him to come to her rescue, not in those words, I'm sure. I didn't know the situation so I asked to come. He looked at me as if I was freaking retarded and then politely said, "No..." I was confused and surprisingly, not hurt. He kissed me goodbye which was different for us, well, it was on the cheek.
I'm proud of him! And happy for her! I'm so glad that she has such a good guy in her life that'll be there for her no matter what.
I don't know if this is how I'm suppose to be feeling.
Happily, I drove home, anxious to take off that crappy nail polish and to put on something not so gaudy. He wasn't really on my mind till I walked into my apartment and words just spilled out of my mouth... "So he's with his ex right now, comforting her while she cries because her boyfriend is less than impressive..." Right then it hit me.
He loves her.
I think he might actually be in love with her.
I've always known it, and he'll say it! I just chose to kind of...ignore it. Wouldn't anyone?
I've heard many rumours about them and he's told me enough...but I trust him! Just like I expect him to trust me, which he doesn't. But that's irrelevant.
I keep telling myself that he's just chilling with her and her family, like he always does... But in the back of my mind I (try not to) picture us in a similar situation. When our emotions get heated, naturally, we close any space between us just for comfort. Call me jealous to assume, but it's not unheard of between the two of them...
Yep. I called him. It's been two hours and he said he'd call me when he was done. No call. But he did answer! I wanted to ask him if he was asking me to leave so many times just so he could see her... But I didn't. Something worse came out. I asked if he kissed her! He laughed...
Note to self: when you ask your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend (whatever he is) if he kissed another girl, and all he does is laugh... it's usually not a good sign. So I asked if she was alright and he said yes and that they were just in the grocery store...buying ice cream...
Am I the only one thinking, "WTF?" So I asked him to get me some while he was at it. He called me crazy and said goodbye about 8 times before we actually did hang up...
So what do I do? How am I suppose to feel? Is this natural? Am I being too calm? Am I being too crazy? :-/
Someone please tell me I'm normal! It's okay to worry, right??
Is she over-stepping her boundaries? Am I? Ugh.
I'm going to blame this all on love and stupid jealousy.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
He. Called. Me. FAT!!!
Ever since about the day before the 4th of July (so like four days ago from when I'm writing this) he (Gary) started calling me fat. I don't get it. Doesn't he know what that does to a girl's...or ANYONE'S self-esteem!?!? That is a giant no-no. That's like a girl telling a guy his... nevermind. It just hurts, okay? So yeah, now I'm looking in the mirror like, "Oh, yeah I see that cellulite. If I push my skin down this way it makes..."
What?
I know this is crazy and shocking to hear but I'M NORMAL!!! And I'm sure he won't believe me when he reads this but honey, I'm only human.
He has this problem where he remembers me from when I was like 17 and had 13% body fat... Well news flash sweetheart, I aint 17 no more! That was FIVE YEARS AGO!!!
I'm a freakin' WOMAN now!!!
I've got curves! And no, they're not all rock solid anymore! They're...flattering.
Oh you're talking about my scarred and stretched stomach? Oh you're right. I'm a hippo... ??
Two summers ago when our relationship was raging like the river into the Santaquin res. I was having a very hard time. Obviously. That's right after I had a kid and my body went into shock. Who's wouldn't, right? So basically I couldn't eat. I was tiny and starving. I couldn't even fit into my size zero jeans. It was ridiculous. But Gary LOVED it!!! He would tell me all the time, "You're so tiny! I love it!" as he would give my waist a giant bear hug. Of course, I liked my size too...And don't get me wrong, I do miss him treating me like that...I just wasn't too happy about having to buy a new wardrobe and having nothing to eat without getting sick. But the second I found things to eat... Let's just say I had to buy another wardrobe! I'm just kidding. :) We went to Gold's Gym and signed two years of our lives and our wallets down the drain. We got those stupid memberships to be together.
I think we've been there five times together. Our passes expire next month.
I definitely grew into a womanly shape. And it's not even round!! I will not complain. My clothes fit. Sure I could run a little bit more, cut down on the ice-cream... But come on, that takes effort. And besides! I've always had a little bit of a pudge on my belly. I. AM. NOT. ASHAMED. HE, on the other hand has grown from a 30 being too big on his butt to a 35 that barely fits! I would never tell him that he's gaining weight. I only encourage him to go to the gym with me!
Ugh.
I've always averaged a healthy 110 to 120. Right now I'm at 117. I can run an 8 minute mile, see my MapMyRun app. It'll tell you so. My pant size is 2 and my shirts are small. I'm not really a giant like he makes me out to be! I guess I'm not perfectly toned...and I could improve my posture to make me not look so large...heaven forbid. Maybe I'm not perfectly toned but I'm comfortable.
Isn't that all that counts in the end??
What?
I know this is crazy and shocking to hear but I'M NORMAL!!! And I'm sure he won't believe me when he reads this but honey, I'm only human.
He has this problem where he remembers me from when I was like 17 and had 13% body fat... Well news flash sweetheart, I aint 17 no more! That was FIVE YEARS AGO!!!
I'm a freakin' WOMAN now!!!
I've got curves! And no, they're not all rock solid anymore! They're...flattering.
Oh you're talking about my scarred and stretched stomach? Oh you're right. I'm a hippo... ??
Two summers ago when our relationship was raging like the river into the Santaquin res. I was having a very hard time. Obviously. That's right after I had a kid and my body went into shock. Who's wouldn't, right? So basically I couldn't eat. I was tiny and starving. I couldn't even fit into my size zero jeans. It was ridiculous. But Gary LOVED it!!! He would tell me all the time, "You're so tiny! I love it!" as he would give my waist a giant bear hug. Of course, I liked my size too...And don't get me wrong, I do miss him treating me like that...I just wasn't too happy about having to buy a new wardrobe and having nothing to eat without getting sick. But the second I found things to eat... Let's just say I had to buy another wardrobe! I'm just kidding. :) We went to Gold's Gym and signed two years of our lives and our wallets down the drain. We got those stupid memberships to be together.
I think we've been there five times together. Our passes expire next month.
I definitely grew into a womanly shape. And it's not even round!! I will not complain. My clothes fit. Sure I could run a little bit more, cut down on the ice-cream... But come on, that takes effort. And besides! I've always had a little bit of a pudge on my belly. I. AM. NOT. ASHAMED. HE, on the other hand has grown from a 30 being too big on his butt to a 35 that barely fits! I would never tell him that he's gaining weight. I only encourage him to go to the gym with me!
Ugh.
I've always averaged a healthy 110 to 120. Right now I'm at 117. I can run an 8 minute mile, see my MapMyRun app. It'll tell you so. My pant size is 2 and my shirts are small. I'm not really a giant like he makes me out to be! I guess I'm not perfectly toned...and I could improve my posture to make me not look so large...heaven forbid. Maybe I'm not perfectly toned but I'm comfortable.
Isn't that all that counts in the end??
Out Of My Mind
You called me on the phone today,
Said those words you always say and I cried
I've gotta figure out what's going on
Inside this head of mine, I try
I'm going crazy thinkin' 'bout the way
I shouldn't have left it all behind
But now I'm gone and somethings wrong
I changed my mind
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind
I saw you just the other day
Those feelings never went away
And I smiled
I told you I'll be back
And I want us to be friends
And we'll be alright
Don't know what to say
It's getting harder everyday
But it takes time
You should know I'm coming home, standby
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind
And as the time passes by I fall asleep, without you by my side
I go out of my mind
Remembering the way we were before.
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind
Oh no, no no no, ooh, ooh
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
Said those words you always say and I cried
I've gotta figure out what's going on
Inside this head of mine, I try
I'm going crazy thinkin' 'bout the way
I shouldn't have left it all behind
But now I'm gone and somethings wrong
I changed my mind
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind
I saw you just the other day
Those feelings never went away
And I smiled
I told you I'll be back
And I want us to be friends
And we'll be alright
Don't know what to say
It's getting harder everyday
But it takes time
You should know I'm coming home, standby
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind
And as the time passes by I fall asleep, without you by my side
I go out of my mind
Remembering the way we were before.
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind
Oh no, no no no, ooh, ooh
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
It could be meant to be!
So lately I've been doing a lot of running in and out of doctors offices, this all started (not talking about July 2010...but) not too long ago! We can take it back to the 15th of June actually! Gary and I finished eating our lunches when my body just... died. I say 'died' because I couldn't move. I couldn't lift my arms. I couldn't carry my pack-pack (the brown back-pack that is always on me). I could not walk and I could hardly stand up even with Gary's help. See, this has happened to me before but that was like two years ago when I assumed I had diseCeliac ase and all the other fun stuff that comes with it...like a dead body from trying too hard to digest food too fast.
Worried as heck, Gary practically carries me out to the car and rushes us to the hospital. Well, the hospital is super expensive so maybe the urgent care center? We checked in and talked to the receptionist when she told us that we should go somewhere else to be seen. She said that what we had to get done would be considerably cheaper at a family clinic. We agreed and practically flew down the block to the same family practice I've visited so many times before for other health problems. Little did we know that all these health problems are related.
Almost an hour too late! The clinic was closed and we had to wait till Monday to be seen!
Well Monday rolls around and I called the clinic to make an appointment as soon as they opened and they were able to squeeze me in, in two hours! Gary called in sick to work to be able to be there for me which was awesome. I hate going to the doctors by myself! But boy, oh boy, have I learned not to take Gary to the doctors as my support system! Gary's all, "Mercedes, you just need to eat more fiber..." when the doctor more than just agrees with him, "You know Mercedes, Gary is right!" I'm like, "Don't tell him that..." his head doesn't need to be any bigger... Just kidding... :-/ but really.
So the doctor's and doctor Gary's orders were in mind and we're off to the Cost of Co! I was feeling much better than I was that weekend. Thank goodness. We loaded up on fiber, digestive gummies, and something else I can't remember. Whatever it was, it was important I'm sure!
Oh, it was Crystal Light. Cause every time I go to the doctor (and also talk to doctor Gary) they always say I'm dehydrated. So there we go.
For the next couple of days he was practically filling my throat with things that I couldn't stand! Mainly water! Yucky! But miraculously, I felt better. So I figured it was time to take a break from all the spoon-feeding and chugging water as a sort of reward for feeling better for once!
******************************
I was feeling super fresh, man.
So I kept the good vibes going and went to go get a hair cut! All thanks to my inspiration Julianne Hough on Safe Haven! She is so GORGEOUS!!! I wanted my hair to look just like hers! Unfortunately, mine isn't nearly as thick...or blonde... nor will it ever be. But it's short!
Gary didn't like it... He always told me that girls with short hair look like boys! I can see how he would think that but come on! This was no pixie hair cut! I was certain that my hair looked adorable! The girls at the salon even had to take a picture!! But no, our disagreement on that, and the new $15 shirt I bought, was enough to push both of us over the edge...
Things had been going so well...
On the outside...
We have a tendency to keep our feelings about each other on the inside.
Until one of us does something so incredibly stupid, it's silly, we just let it all go!
All that night my stomach was turning. I knew he would get use to the hair eventually, probably around the same time that it grows back out. ;)
The next morning I had a meeting with a therapist, after telling her how I feel and expressing all the feelings I should have said to Gary...she got the load all at once... she sent me to the hospital. Umm.. Yeah.
So I checked myself into the Emergency Room to take a psychiatric evaluation. I sat in the ER for hours while doctor after doctor rushed into my room. Quite honestly I didn't see what the problem was! After getting all of the first Doc's test results back I was reassured that I did not have Celiac disease, and my thyroid wasn't dying! Those were the tests from the first doctors appointment that week. So then these next set of doc's are asking me all these physical health questions and doing an EKG and everything else under the sun... They told me that I was 100% healthy! Sweet!!!
But wait.
Why do I get so sick all the time?
In comes the crisis counselor. He tells me I'm probably depressed, under a lot of stress, and in a not-too-healthy relationship. Add all of those up and you get one psycho chick who's getting sick just from her own nerves! Silly me! So Mr. Crisis led me upstairs to the Mental Health part of the hospital where I was stripped of all of my belongings and was treated like a child then left alone. I didn't need to be in there, I thought to myself, they've got it all wrong. There was one kid detoxing and another chick who looked super anorexic. I was just in an unhealthy relationship!! Time heals this one, I'm sure.
But then dinner came and I was all of the sudden more than pleased to stay the night! ...or two...
I called my step dad and he called my mom to tell her I was held hostage in the hospital and needed some feminine things... Leave it to Super-Step-Dad! He calls in when the phone was answered and put on speaker... He very proudly announces to just about the whole world, "I'm here for Mercedes number ****, I have her UNDERWEAR!!!" The whole department just burst into laughs!!! So even though it was after curfew, they had to let him up!
The place was chill, we all just ate snacks and hung out! 9:45 I decided to be tired so they gave me some sort of drug to help with my anxiety and one to sleep and it knocked me out numb!
Bright and early the next day my head was POUNDING!!! Never, ever, ever has it ever hurt that bad! I couldn't see anything, I was super dizzy, and my whole body hurt with a 100 pound ball sitting on the top of it all just killing me! A few mixes of drugs and a few naps throughout the day I was finally a little better. That was horrible. But the worst part was, they kept interrupting my needed naps for some stupid group thing!! Ugh.
******************************
I wasn't allowed to have my cell phone and since I was expecting a call (and honestly hoping that Gary had tried to get ahold of me since our last fight...I missed him so bad), they let me check my phone right in front of them. I did have a missed call! AND A VOICEMAIL!!!! I instantly jumped for joy not knowing what it was but desperately hoping it was my ticket out and.... It was! I accidentally listened to the message on speaker so everyone heard the job get offered to me!
I didn't know too much about it, but what I did know was that I would just be driving around all day! Ha, I can do that! I got the job! Yes!!
Since they didn't prescribe me anything, and since I guess I was there on my own will, I could leave! Ha, I wish I knew that sooner! I didn't really want to be there! It was nice though, just a small break from reality. An expensive break, I'm sure!
So just yesterday (Monday the 24th) I went to the first day of training for my new job. It was awesome! But the best part was (today) I got a better understanding of what I would be doing and what kind of environment this was. It is called Provo Canyon School and it is a mental health facility. As we practiced ways to communicate better and especially to listen, I came to a sweet realization that this is just what I needed.
This is where I can become better. I can become healthy. I can learn how to share my feelings and emotions with Gary without curling up my fists and blowing smoke out my ears!
This is perfect. :)
Things should be looking up from now on, I talked to Gary about the communication thing and he's willing to work on it with me. So now we're both learning, together. If our relationship can benefit from this that would be marvelous but if it doesn't...I think I might be able to handle it a little bit better than I have in the past. This is great! I definitely believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and as long as we keep him in our hearts, he'll lead us exactly to where we're suppose to be. :)
Thanks for reading this one! I know it's a long one but I think it's worth the read!
Happy Tuesday all!
-Mercedes Poole
Worried as heck, Gary practically carries me out to the car and rushes us to the hospital. Well, the hospital is super expensive so maybe the urgent care center? We checked in and talked to the receptionist when she told us that we should go somewhere else to be seen. She said that what we had to get done would be considerably cheaper at a family clinic. We agreed and practically flew down the block to the same family practice I've visited so many times before for other health problems. Little did we know that all these health problems are related.
Almost an hour too late! The clinic was closed and we had to wait till Monday to be seen!
Well Monday rolls around and I called the clinic to make an appointment as soon as they opened and they were able to squeeze me in, in two hours! Gary called in sick to work to be able to be there for me which was awesome. I hate going to the doctors by myself! But boy, oh boy, have I learned not to take Gary to the doctors as my support system! Gary's all, "Mercedes, you just need to eat more fiber..." when the doctor more than just agrees with him, "You know Mercedes, Gary is right!" I'm like, "Don't tell him that..." his head doesn't need to be any bigger... Just kidding... :-/ but really.
So the doctor's and doctor Gary's orders were in mind and we're off to the Cost of Co! I was feeling much better than I was that weekend. Thank goodness. We loaded up on fiber, digestive gummies, and something else I can't remember. Whatever it was, it was important I'm sure!
Oh, it was Crystal Light. Cause every time I go to the doctor (and also talk to doctor Gary) they always say I'm dehydrated. So there we go.
For the next couple of days he was practically filling my throat with things that I couldn't stand! Mainly water! Yucky! But miraculously, I felt better. So I figured it was time to take a break from all the spoon-feeding and chugging water as a sort of reward for feeling better for once!
******************************
I was feeling super fresh, man.
So I kept the good vibes going and went to go get a hair cut! All thanks to my inspiration Julianne Hough on Safe Haven! She is so GORGEOUS!!! I wanted my hair to look just like hers! Unfortunately, mine isn't nearly as thick...or blonde... nor will it ever be. But it's short!
Gary didn't like it... He always told me that girls with short hair look like boys! I can see how he would think that but come on! This was no pixie hair cut! I was certain that my hair looked adorable! The girls at the salon even had to take a picture!! But no, our disagreement on that, and the new $15 shirt I bought, was enough to push both of us over the edge...
Things had been going so well...
On the outside...
We have a tendency to keep our feelings about each other on the inside.
Until one of us does something so incredibly stupid, it's silly, we just let it all go!
All that night my stomach was turning. I knew he would get use to the hair eventually, probably around the same time that it grows back out. ;)
The next morning I had a meeting with a therapist, after telling her how I feel and expressing all the feelings I should have said to Gary...she got the load all at once... she sent me to the hospital. Umm.. Yeah.
So I checked myself into the Emergency Room to take a psychiatric evaluation. I sat in the ER for hours while doctor after doctor rushed into my room. Quite honestly I didn't see what the problem was! After getting all of the first Doc's test results back I was reassured that I did not have Celiac disease, and my thyroid wasn't dying! Those were the tests from the first doctors appointment that week. So then these next set of doc's are asking me all these physical health questions and doing an EKG and everything else under the sun... They told me that I was 100% healthy! Sweet!!!
But wait.
Why do I get so sick all the time?
In comes the crisis counselor. He tells me I'm probably depressed, under a lot of stress, and in a not-too-healthy relationship. Add all of those up and you get one psycho chick who's getting sick just from her own nerves! Silly me! So Mr. Crisis led me upstairs to the Mental Health part of the hospital where I was stripped of all of my belongings and was treated like a child then left alone. I didn't need to be in there, I thought to myself, they've got it all wrong. There was one kid detoxing and another chick who looked super anorexic. I was just in an unhealthy relationship!! Time heals this one, I'm sure.
But then dinner came and I was all of the sudden more than pleased to stay the night! ...or two...
I called my step dad and he called my mom to tell her I was held hostage in the hospital and needed some feminine things... Leave it to Super-Step-Dad! He calls in when the phone was answered and put on speaker... He very proudly announces to just about the whole world, "I'm here for Mercedes number ****, I have her UNDERWEAR!!!" The whole department just burst into laughs!!! So even though it was after curfew, they had to let him up!
The place was chill, we all just ate snacks and hung out! 9:45 I decided to be tired so they gave me some sort of drug to help with my anxiety and one to sleep and it knocked me out numb!
Bright and early the next day my head was POUNDING!!! Never, ever, ever has it ever hurt that bad! I couldn't see anything, I was super dizzy, and my whole body hurt with a 100 pound ball sitting on the top of it all just killing me! A few mixes of drugs and a few naps throughout the day I was finally a little better. That was horrible. But the worst part was, they kept interrupting my needed naps for some stupid group thing!! Ugh.
******************************
I wasn't allowed to have my cell phone and since I was expecting a call (and honestly hoping that Gary had tried to get ahold of me since our last fight...I missed him so bad), they let me check my phone right in front of them. I did have a missed call! AND A VOICEMAIL!!!! I instantly jumped for joy not knowing what it was but desperately hoping it was my ticket out and.... It was! I accidentally listened to the message on speaker so everyone heard the job get offered to me!
I didn't know too much about it, but what I did know was that I would just be driving around all day! Ha, I can do that! I got the job! Yes!!
Since they didn't prescribe me anything, and since I guess I was there on my own will, I could leave! Ha, I wish I knew that sooner! I didn't really want to be there! It was nice though, just a small break from reality. An expensive break, I'm sure!
So just yesterday (Monday the 24th) I went to the first day of training for my new job. It was awesome! But the best part was (today) I got a better understanding of what I would be doing and what kind of environment this was. It is called Provo Canyon School and it is a mental health facility. As we practiced ways to communicate better and especially to listen, I came to a sweet realization that this is just what I needed.
This is where I can become better. I can become healthy. I can learn how to share my feelings and emotions with Gary without curling up my fists and blowing smoke out my ears!
This is perfect. :)
Things should be looking up from now on, I talked to Gary about the communication thing and he's willing to work on it with me. So now we're both learning, together. If our relationship can benefit from this that would be marvelous but if it doesn't...I think I might be able to handle it a little bit better than I have in the past. This is great! I definitely believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and as long as we keep him in our hearts, he'll lead us exactly to where we're suppose to be. :)
Thanks for reading this one! I know it's a long one but I think it's worth the read!
Happy Tuesday all!
-Mercedes Poole
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