Springsteen

To this day when I hear that song
I see you standin' there all night long
Discount shades, store-bought tan, flip flops and cut off jeans
Somewhere between that set and the sun
I'm on fire, I'm born to run
You looked at me and I was done
Well, we're just gettin' started
I was singin' to you, you were singin' to me
I was so alive, never been more free
Fired up my daddy's lighter, we sang oh woah woah
Stayed there till' they forced us out,
Took the long way to your house,
I can still hear the sound of you sayin' don't go.

When I think about you, I think about seventeen
I think about my old jeep, I think about the stars in the sky
Funny how the melody sounds like a memory,
Like a soundtrack to a july saturday night.
Springsteen.

I bumped into you by happenstance,
Probably wouldn't even know who I am
But if I whispered your name I bet, still be a spark.
Back when I was gasoline, and this old tattoo had brand new ink,
And we didn't care what your momma thinks about your name on my arm.
Baby is it spring or is it summer,
The guitar sound or the beat of that drummer
You hear sometimes late at night on your radio.
Even though you're a million miles away,
When you hear Born In The USA,
You relive those glory days so long ago.

When you think about me, do you think about seventeen
Do you think about my old jeep, think about the stars in the sky
Funny how the melody sounds like a memory,
Like a soundtrack to a july saturday night.
Springsteen.

Springsteen

(X2)
Oh woah woahh oh
Oh woah woahh oh
Oh woah woahh oh oh oh

Funny how the melody sounds like a memory,
Like a soundtrack to a july saturday night.
Springsteen
Springsteen
Oh Springsteen

(X4)
Oh woah woahh oh
Oh woah woahh oh
Oh woah woahh oh oh oh

The Friend Zone.

Dating these days is so stinking complicated. But the sad thing is, is that it doesn't have to be! If we put aside our cell phones, tinder, facebook, and whatever other non-face-to-face thing we use then what would we have? Some would say nothing. Well then if that really is your answer then I feel bad for you! By the way, you're probably lacking in vitamin D if your life revolves around technology THAT much. Get outside and do something, eh? We would have better people skills, probably higher self-esteems, and more REAL friends.
I guess it's not that easy anymore, huh? So why do we complicate things? Why can't it just be 'going steady' or 'not going steady?' Or 'married' or 'not married?'
Instead we've got titles like girls are just one of the boys. Yeah right. Or some of us girls find it necessary to have one of those 'gay' friends (who is probably not gay at all...but just has really good style and won't make a move on you). Then there's that, "Oh, he's just like a brother (or sister) to me" those ones always end up getting married. Not sure why, because if he's like you're brother...well then marrying your brother is sick. Then there's make-out buddies, or 'friends with benefits'. BYU kids like to call it "NCMO" (Non-Commital Make-Outs). Obviously you wouldn't be kissing someone if you didn't have feelings for them! Maybe I'm just old-fashioned. But a kiss to me is like a, "hey, we're like...together (going steady) now...don't be kissin' no one else now, ya hear?" THEN, we have the 'complicated' status. Let's not jump into that shipwreck, the name should be enough for you. But wait, it gets worse. Then there's the friend zone... Dun, dun, duunnn....

This zoning of friends trend started a long, long time ago...
Let's take it back to Jr. High.
We'd seen movies, we've been told, we must have known that the smart kids were the ones that would end up making money. They would be the ones finishing college half way through high school, not having any student debt, and probably the ones with the biggest hearts too. And now that I'm a little older I can obviously see! Freak I screwed up! I made fun of boys who had braces and were super smart and I used them for better grades... All of them ended up in the friend zone and they also ended up super successful later in life... So why is it that they are the prime candidates for the friend zone?

What puts one in the friend zone, you ask?

They're the nice guys! The ones that don't want to seem pushy! They don't want to come on too strong...they might even feel more content by acting gay than professing their love and appreciation for you because who knows, maybe some girls don't love to hear that they are beautiful and worth something! Pansy boys... Well guess what, NICE GUYS FINISH LAST!!!

*Tip to you boys: if you want to get out of (or never enter) the friend zone don't be too shy! Be strong and let us know that you know how to handle a woman and she will probably let you handle her! ;) Also, don't be a tool. Don't 'accidentally' forget your wallet when taking a girl out. Do some activities she likes, anything but clothes/shoes/makeup shopping. That is friend zone territory! Don't assume she's one of the guys--ever. Because she's not. She's a girl and probably always will be. Cuddle with her while watching a movie one-on-one! Not just any friend will do that, and she knows that too. Don't let her get her own door, ask her out dates in person, and last but not least, BRING HER FLOWERS!!!! I can almost guarantee that she will melt in your arms!

 

So yeah those are all great words of advice...but the one thing that is puzzling me...and I am yet to understand is...

 

What happens when a girl gets 'Friend Zoned'?

 

Believe it or not, it can happen to girls. I'm saying this from personal experiences. Notice the 's' at the end of experience. Aaaaaand I have nothing to say to that. I am stumped and absolutely confused! A friend of mine kept asking me to come around, like all the time, and yet he still showed no interest. Why? I assumed he was shy. Nope, we talked about it. Turns out he threw me in the friend zone! Why, why, why did he do that!?!? What does a girl do when she gets thrown into the friend zone? If anyone has any comments please leave them here. I'm confused and find this quite silly actually!!

To that one person who reads everyone's blogs...yes you...*dun dun*

So the answer is yes! This is meant to be creepy and way odd and out there. Because that about sums up our friendship! But it has good purpose, I promise! Even if it is just for the sake of a few laughs. :) Enjoy!

So I'm not quite sure if this is correct... But I'm pretty sure that Rachelle and I officially became friends during cherry season about two years ago! We both got the best job there! We were the pit checkers!! All we had to do was go out every so often and check the cherries to make sure that no pits were coming through the machines. Easy. So we pretty much had some time on our hands. What did we do with all that free time you might wonder? Well other than talking about boys and whatnot, we would draw pictures! It was all fun and no feelings were intended to be hurt, I swear! We started this "Dear Napkin," and would just write funny little quotes or sayings on it. It was surprisingly a huge hit! So we took it the next step further... Rachelle, being the mean girl that she is, decided to start a burn book! Or a burn napkin, if you would. A nice burn book though. I'm not sure how she did it but she ended up quoting the Mean Girls movie and replaced their names with the names of our co-workers. In the best way possible, of course. Again, NO FEELINGS WERE INTENDED TO BE HURT!!!! One night, one of our co-workers (who was not mentioned in the burn book, whatsoever, because he's such a... anyways....) came up to me, not Rachelle, but ME with legit TEARS IN HIS EYES and a mad and confused look on his face. He charged right on up holding that stupid napkin that I wrote everything on and asked, "Why would you write this!? What kind of sick joke are you trying to pull?!" Oh Rachelle, you're such a good friend.... Tell me again why you didn't tell him that those were your words and that it WASN'T just me and why you let me take ALL. THE. BLAME....
I should've known right then and there that, that was just the beginning of our troubles.

In the midst of all that picture drawing and writing whatever, we would occasionally have to work. She was so nice, she would compliment me all the time about how good I smelt. She loved it. She would even sniff me at times! Just a little side note: my poor, little body was trying so hard to keep up with my new diet. It couldn't handle it at times. I was eating nothing but fruits and vegetables all day, every day. Wheat was out of my diet and dairy was on its way out! Lets just say that I was very, very gassy... all the time... There was just no stopping me! It hurt too bad to keep in and so sometimes it just found its way out... Unfortunately, Rachelle was usually around to get a whif of it. She'd say, "Merce you smell so good! Like a clean baby!" I was dying inside to tell her what that smell really was! Lol

Yes, she knows now and still remembers and loves the smell! hahaha Really though!

Rachelle and I have always been fortunate enough to be working the same job, sometimes at the same place...sometimes just down the street! But usually, we're doing the same thing at the same time! We did everything from call centers to cherries, hostessing to being sales associates and tellers too! My absolute most favorite memory of little miss Rachelle is when we were working at Dillard's together.

She was in the juniors department (cause she dresses her age) and I was in the womens department (cause I dress like I'm 60). From where I was stationed I could get a perfect view of her department!
So I called one phone on one side of her department. She was holding a ton of clothes that were easily taller than she was and she ran for that phone! As soon as I heard her say, "Juniors department..." I hung up and called the other line! She ran across the department with all the clothes in hand and hurried to answer the other phone! Same thing, as soon as she answered, I hung up! So I called the first line again! She STILL had the clothes in her hands and ran over to answer the phone! Same thing! And then I did it again! By this time I was absolutely DYING of laughter!! I called the other line one last time when she answered, "*trying to catch her breath* Juniors department, *more deep gasps* this is Rachelle..." Oh gosh I'm so mean to the noobs. So casually I walked over to her when I saw her just minding her own business. She didn't know she was just pranked!!! With this all replaying in my head I just couldn't help but burst out with laughter and tears while trying so hard to stay standing! She looks at me as if I've gotten sick or something then she decides to laugh with me! Then it was even funnier because she didn't know why we were laughing!! So she starts crying from laughter too and tries to ask me (now absolutely rolling around on the floor from inability to stay standing) what we were laughing about! It was so hard to tell her how it was me making her run from each side of the department to the other! But of course I did... And of course we laughed even harder!

Oh man...

Even though she totally didn't stand up for me at cherries... and she grabs my elbow in a way that makes me want to smack her face... and she truly doesn't know how to finish a word... and she's two feet shorter than I... and she says "dun dun" after everything... and she likes the way my farts smell... and she's incredibly gullible... and all she does is facebook stalk everyone... and read blogs... and is white on the inside... I don't know where Payson would be without that girl! Probably non-existant, really. And I don't know where I would be without this chica! Or if I would have any other memories as good as these ones!
Thanks so much Rash for bein you!
Lol

For only two days, he was mine.

The next morning came and I was woke up by a nurse, a nice one. She told me that there were a few tests that they had to do and that if I wanted any breakfast, I best be ordering that like now-ish! So I stood up, my legs were kind of shaky...but what do you expect after having a kid? I searched for the menu, picked up the phone to call the cafeteria when I felt something warm on my feet...

Yeah.

I was standing in a puddle of pee and I didn't even know it came out.

So instead of calling the cafeteria I called a nurse and told her, "We need a clean up on isle...(room number I was in)... I just laughed. I could already tell that this was going to be a life-long problem. The nurses assured me that it goes away in about 6 weeks. Boy were they wrong! Anyway, they had me take a shower and just brought me a little something to eat and a nice little gift with that. :) On a giant roller thing came my new little baby all wrapped up and super clean and healthy! I was so happy to see him! After my bladder gained a little bit of feeling, I could tell that if I made ANY movement, it would let everything loose. I could walk around, like my legs were fine... But my poor bladder... So yes, I got to wear a diaper. That day I showered about three times! Ugh, such an inconvenience. I wanted to spend every second I could with Cole!

That was the day that I had visitors come! There was my friend Briana who only wanted a pic with the baby and not with me... :-/ Max's family, my family, Grandma and Grandpa, the new parents, and of course, Gary. I'm sure there were more but those are just a few I remember! Ha, I got a picture of Allen (My uncle Max's boy) he's saying, "Is this my new baby brother??" hahaha

Sorry Allen... haha

Gary was there for most of the day, just to make sure I was doing okay. He held the baby while I cried behind a pillow because I didn't want to cry in front of him, not yet. The the nurse came in and ruined their special bonding moment. The nurse says, "So how's the bleeding? Has it stopped? And how about your bladder? Are you still peeing every time you move?" Well Gary there ya go! hahaha Layin' it all out on the table!! I was SO EMBARRASSED!! This is the boy I liked! I wanted to impress him!! Not scare him away... (Good luck doing that in this situation...)

So for that whole day I don't think that I got more than an hour with holding the baby. Then nighttime came too soon and they took him back to the nursery.

 

The next day, I thought I heard him cry so I waddled out of bed and practically ran to the nursery. When I got there I saw that he was actually just sleeping and about to have some more tests done. So I sat and watched while they styled his long hair and then started the tests. This was it. This was the last day that he would be mine. I made it clear to everyone that I didn't want anyone here.

Except for Gary.

He ditched school to be with me for most of the day.

But this was my day to have the baby all to myself. All for just one day. The only thing I wanted to do was just to hold him. All day long. We slept. I got to change his diaper. I fed him. I did his hair. We slept some more. And then he just layed on my chest.

 

It was time.

 

His new parents were here with a giant bundle of flowers, probably to say thank you. My case worker was doing everything she could to let me know that I could keep the baby. I was so irritated and just wanted to be alone with him some more! My time wasn't long enough!! My case worker saw that and understood that, so she excused everyone from the room. This was the time when I got to decide if this was right, or not. So holding the baby, I looked into his eyes, he was awake for the first time that day... I told him that I loved him. I know, I just know that he understood. I said a prayer and was filled with so much joy and happiness I knew that he was theirs. I wanted him, I really did. I don't think that any mother wants to give away her child. But he belonged to them. I put all trust and energy in The Lord and I don't believe that it was me that handed over the baby. So happy, I just cried. This was beautiful. I was completing a family. They couldn't do it on their own and I helped them.

I signed the papers.

His last name changed.

And then I was rolled out of the hospital in a wheel chair.

 

I was staying at my grandparents, who were out of town. My grandpa's mom had just passed away, just in time for this new miracle to come into this world. I walked into my room to see it absolutely filled with gifts, chocolates, food, cards, and flowers.

I couldn't believe that anyone would actually support me.

 

 

Thank you for everyone that helped out. I couldn't have gotten by without any of you. And thank you for all of you reading this, it means so much to me that you have taken time out of your day to read my story.

I love Cole, I love his family. If I could go back and change anything... I don't think I would. Well, maybe I would drink more water to try and avoid all these stretch marks!

Have a happy Friday everybody. :)



Bitter-sweet memories with the baby.

So this profile picture is one of my favorites. That's a little boy in that pic with me. He was so big for his age back then, and still is! I gave birth to him a month before that picture was taken. I don't remember what all happened, it was all so quick...it's all kind of a blur now. The only thing I have to remind me that I gave birth to a stud muffin are the tiger stripes on my belly! I know I've mentioned him quite a bit in this blog but I've never really gone into details about this kid. Here's a little something I'd like to share with all of you who are interested in what happened during those few days that he was mine.

It was a Saturday night when I was waddling down to the Santaquin park to meet up with Gary. It was awkward but he was cool about the whole thing. I told him I couldn't do it, and that I didn't want to... I knew it was right for the baby so I did it, of course. The next day I was so nervous I couldn't eat. I was suppose to be to the hospital by the late afternoon and couldn't find an appetite in me... Until I got checked into the hospital, I. Was. STARVING!! So my dad went out to get me a cheese burger from McDonalds. How sweet. In the meanwhile, I got to hang out with the baby's new parents and do my last interview on them. They are the friendliest and most loving people I have ever met! Of course, I'm sure they felt just as nervous as me, knowing that if they screwed up even a little bit I could decide to not give them the baby. They were a great support though and I'm so glad they were there!
The nurse that was helping me that night must have been just finishing her shift because she was mean.... Trust me, when you're giving birth, you don't want a mean nurse!! With pillows awkwardly placed under my back and monitors strapped to my stomach, I couldn't sleep. The next morning they started the process! They put this cool balloon inside of me to help open me up. Not even two hours later my bed was wet, I thought that the balloon popped and that I had peed all over the bed and made a complete mess, but no.

My water broke. :)

You know what that means! Contractions and anesthesiologists!!

Haha, my poor anesthesiologist scared the living day-lights out of everyone! Picture this: My backside is facing him (who I thought was to be a stranger) when he says, "Man, I use to LOVE watching you cheer! They would throw you all around! And then you would do those tricks in my pool too! Man, those were the good days!" While he's shoving this gigantic needle into my spine!
Everyone else in the room and I just went silent. Our eyes all met each other's and shared the same "WTF?!" expression. Turns out he was one of my good friends dad! Haha Nothing to worry about!

No creeps running around with needles this time!

See, I was hoping that this could be a painless procedure so I wouldn't get any attachment feelings about the delivery and want to keep the baby. Back then, I was honestly thinking that I could just push him out of me and give him away without even looking at him. Not sure what I was thinking. And that's definitely not what happened! Oh, I was so naive.

But then...I felt something. And I felt it again. The nurse re-adjusted my pillows and I could only push the "HOLY HECK I'M IN PAIN" button once every half hour. I was in so much pain so I kept pressing the dang button! It was only getting worse!! I decided right then that I would just skip the needle in the spine step next time and just do it all natural! That was too much of a hassle! So we brought the big dog (the anesthesiologist) back in, everything seemed to be okay, but wait, the tube that was feeding me my delicious drugs had come unscrewed. There goes all my precious numbing meds onto the floor... Freak.
Feeling much better a few hours later, I was allowed to start pushing. In all honesty, I didn't do any of the pushing. There was my grandma (who's never had a baby) pushing my feet and making intimidating football player faces at me... I think she was pushing for me....literally. I just slept in between intervals.
Every time the nurses would leave the room I would chug down a cup or two of lemonade. They said I couldn't have any so I had to drink it while they were away! I was so tired and thirsty!!
The baby had his head almost out while the doctor was massaging me to help prevent major tearing, he said, "That a girl!!" haha I screamed, "WHAT!?!? You said it was a BOY!!!!" Obviously a little misunderstanding! We laughed and then I casually asked for one of them blue bags. Yep. I threw up... For the first time the ENTIRE PREGNANCY!! I know this is so gross but it tasted SO GOOD!!! I looked in the bag to see what was so delicious when I saw something kind of just floating there... A pickle? Hmm. So I guess that with the sugar they pump into me for energy and all the lemonade I was consuming, it came out super good. Who would've thought?
The baby finally made his way out of me and in all honesty, it felt like a wet, cooked noodle slipping through my fingers... Only a little bigger and from between my legs. He came out smiling when the nurses slapped some sense into him! He only cried for a minute and then got back to smiling. Already we knew that he was going to be a ladies man... seeing as the room was filled with us ladies! I let the mom watch this process since she couldn't have kids either and she didn't get to see her first kid's birth. It was just to help them be able to connect better. We all agreed on a name, Cole. Cole David Poole (until the papers were signed and he was theirs). He was a bright-eyed boy with very long, dark, and straight hair. Here are just a couple pics :)

Cole was born at 9:13 pm on 4/4/11 weighing just under 8 lbs.

He's adorable, really! It was such a good experience. Look out for the next few blogs, there'll be one for the two days following that. A lot happened on those days so it'll be lengthy! Then there's a one month meeting, a six month meeting and a one year meeting. I've got lots of pics and details. And I know this is totally off the subject but I couldn't have gotten through any of this if it wasn't for Gary being there for me. I think that, that is what he was suppose to be there for...and that may have been it. So thank you Gary, even though we can't make things work now, we did then. So thank you a million times for being that great support system for me. You'll all see in the pictures later why I had to throw that in there, it's because Gary's in all of them. :] 

Thank you for reading this one! Things are definitely looking up for me so thanks for (sort of) being a part of it! Have a good Wednesday all!! And to Cole, I love you so much!!

It's been hard enough on me..

You let me into your life on a whim and there was magic and fire in the night. In loving I was just a little boy. I made mistakes that caused you so much pain. All I know is that I'm older now...
Some people think that it's best to refrain from the conventions of old-fashioned love. Their hearts are filled with holes and emptiness. They tell themselves that they're too young to settle down. But I promise that I'm older now.
And this has been hard enough on you. I know it's been hard enough on me. Been telling myself that I can roll with the changes...
And when the water gets high above your head, darling don't you see? While this has been hard enough on you. It's been hard enough on me
I wasn't looking when we built these walls. Let me spread my dreams at your feet. Let’s not let time’s bitter flood rise, before my thoughts begin to run. I think I'm getting older now...
And this has been hard enough on you. I know it's been hard enough on me, been telling myself that I can roll with the changes. And when the water gets high above your head darling don't you see? While this has been hard enough on you...It's been hard enough on me.
Can't stand the thought of another, talking to you sweet my dear. Where would I be tonight if you hadn't held me here, in your arms?
And this has been hard enough on you. I know it's been hard enough on me, been telling myself that I can roll with the changes... And when the water gets high above your head darling don't you see?While this has been hard enough on you...
It's been hard enough on me.

-Brandon Flowers

This is a good song, I feel like it's been one that I could always relate to, no matter what was going on. I love this kind of music. It's so real, kind of like country music...but not... I find so many songs that I just wish someone could sing to me, this is definitely one of them. Brandon Flowers is one of my heroes. He's a Mormon singer from Las Vegas and is able to hold his own while bearing his testimony on TV and keeping his fans loyal. Maybe not 100% of his songs are appropriate but hey, I would say about 90% of them are! This is good music. If you think otherwise *Gary* you don't have to be in my life. Because this is part of who I am. Actually, it's almost all of who I am. This (music..all music) is what I'm so passionate about. My life doesn't revolve around boys, family, money, clothes... It revolves around music. And you know what? The Beatles are alright. They're just not my first choice! This is my first choice. In the end, this is what gets me through the hard times. With a little help from the man upstairs too, of course!... (hence the appropriate music 90% of the time!) lol
Music is my coping mechanism. If I do have a hard time, which is like ALL THE FLIPPING TIME, I can promise that I'll be listening to something loud... something inappropriate... probably screamo! Haha Just kidding. Honestly, it's usually Taylor Swift or The Killers. Both are fairly appropriate. ;)
In the end as long as I can sing anything out loud, very loud to anything, chances are... I'm going to be okay.

And I think I will. I think I'll be okay.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, have an awesome Monday everybody!

Me? Jealous?? ...NEVER.

Just to start this out, I'm going to let you all know that I am very human. And in being so, come some traits that I would love to not really have, one of those being jealousy.

Some say that jealousy is good because it shows that you (being the jealous one) really love that person. It could also mean that you don't trust them. Or it could be that you're selfish and don't want to share that special person.
I'd like to think that my situation pertains to the first one.
Gary called me when he got off work. He just worked over 12 hours, in the rain, moving some strangers wet and heavy furniture... It couldn't possibly be fun. He was very tired and wanted nothing but McDonalds.
So there's me, dying to spend time with my once sweetheart. I'll probably do anything just to be with him in hopes to re-live those better times. Pathetic, I know. Even though I know that he's had nothing but fast food all day, every day... for the past... 2 years, I reluctantly get him a #1, a large with lemonade. While driving there he showed me a picture of some silly looking girl with eyes larger than life and a ring on her left ring finger that was probably bigger than her eyes. He said he loves her. I don't know her but if he loves her, I think I should get to know her. I gasped! She is SO LUCKY! He says, "Luck is winning the lottery...she has a career!"
Yeah, I got the hint. And the slap in the face.
So I didn't do MATC in high school. And I took three years on a two-year degree. And  yeah I got a little bit of debt in doing so... Does that mean that I'm not a catch?
We go back to his apartment and turn on Dr. Who. He wouldn't let me sit close to him... I guess this is our compromise for having 'space' in our relationship. So I sit on the couch next to his (haha). He got his new instrument out and played a few songs for me. He's very talented. When he finished he asked me a few times to go home so he could go to bed... but then his phone rang. It was a cute ring, probably unlike the one that comes up when I call.
It was his best friend. His ex. No, not me.
The other one.
The pretty one.
The one he sometimes unconsciously compares me to.
She asked him to come to her rescue, not in those words, I'm sure. I didn't know the situation so I asked to come. He looked at me as if I was freaking retarded and then politely said, "No..." I was confused and surprisingly, not hurt. He kissed me goodbye which was different for us, well, it was on the cheek.
I'm proud of him! And happy for her! I'm so glad that she has such a good guy in her life that'll be there for her no matter what.
I don't know if this is how I'm suppose to be feeling.
Happily, I drove home, anxious to take off that crappy nail polish and to put on something not so gaudy. He wasn't really on my mind till I walked into my apartment and words just spilled out of my mouth... "So he's with his ex right now, comforting her while she cries because her boyfriend is less than impressive..." Right then it hit me.
He loves her.
I think he might actually be in love with her.
I've always known it, and he'll say it! I just chose to kind of...ignore it. Wouldn't anyone?
I've heard many rumours about them and he's told me enough...but I trust him! Just like I expect him to trust me, which he doesn't. But that's irrelevant.
I keep telling myself that he's just chilling with her and her family, like he always does... But in the back of my mind I (try not to) picture us in a similar situation. When our emotions get heated, naturally, we close any space between us just for comfort. Call me jealous to assume, but it's not unheard of between the two of them...

Yep. I called him. It's been two hours and he said he'd call me when he was done. No call. But he did answer! I wanted to ask him if he was asking me to leave so many times just so he could see her... But I didn't. Something worse came out. I asked if he kissed her! He laughed...
Note to self: when you ask your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend (whatever he is) if he kissed another girl, and all he does is laugh... it's usually not a good sign. So I asked if she was alright and he said yes and that they were just in the grocery store...buying ice cream...
Am I the only one thinking, "WTF?" So I asked him to get me some while he was at it. He called me crazy and said goodbye about 8 times before we actually did hang up...

So what do I do? How am I suppose to feel? Is this natural? Am I being too calm? Am I being too crazy? :-/
Someone please tell me I'm normal! It's okay to worry, right??
Is she over-stepping her boundaries? Am I? Ugh.
I'm going to blame this all on love and stupid jealousy.

He. Called. Me. FAT!!!

Ever since about the day before the 4th of July (so like four days ago from when I'm writing this) he (Gary) started calling me fat. I don't get it. Doesn't he know what that does to a girl's...or ANYONE'S self-esteem!?!? That is a giant no-no. That's like a girl telling a guy his... nevermind. It just hurts, okay? So yeah, now I'm looking in the mirror like, "Oh, yeah I see that cellulite. If I push my skin down this way it makes..."

What?

I know this is crazy and shocking to hear but I'M NORMAL!!! And I'm sure he won't believe me when he reads this but honey, I'm only human.

He has this problem where he remembers me from when I was like 17 and had 13% body fat... Well news flash sweetheart, I aint 17 no more! That was FIVE YEARS AGO!!!
I'm a freakin' WOMAN now!!!
I've got curves! And no, they're not all rock solid anymore! They're...flattering.

Oh you're talking about my scarred and stretched stomach? Oh you're right. I'm a hippo... ??

Two summers ago when our relationship was raging like the river into the Santaquin res. I was having a very hard time. Obviously. That's right after I had a kid and my body went into shock. Who's wouldn't, right? So basically I couldn't eat. I was tiny and starving. I couldn't even fit into my size zero jeans. It was ridiculous. But Gary LOVED it!!! He would tell me all the time, "You're so tiny! I love it!" as he would give my waist a giant bear hug. Of course, I liked my size too...And don't get me wrong, I do miss him treating me like that...I just wasn't too happy about having to buy a new wardrobe and having nothing to eat without getting sick. But the second I found things to eat... Let's just say I had to buy another wardrobe! I'm just kidding. :) We went to Gold's Gym and signed two years of our lives and our wallets down the drain. We got those stupid memberships to be together.

I think we've been there five times together. Our passes expire next month.

I definitely grew into a womanly shape. And it's not even round!! I will not complain. My clothes fit. Sure I could run a little bit more, cut down on the ice-cream... But come on, that takes effort. And besides! I've always had a little bit of a pudge on my belly. I. AM. NOT. ASHAMED. HE, on the other hand has grown from a 30 being too big on his butt to a 35 that barely fits! I would never tell him that he's gaining weight. I only encourage him to go to the gym with me!

Ugh.

I've always averaged a healthy 110 to 120. Right now I'm at 117. I can run an 8 minute mile, see my MapMyRun app. It'll tell you so. My pant size is 2 and my shirts are small. I'm not really a giant like he makes me out to be! I guess I'm not perfectly toned...and I could improve my posture to make me not look so large...heaven forbid. Maybe I'm not perfectly toned but I'm comfortable.

Isn't that all that counts in the end??   

Out Of My Mind

You called me on the phone today,
Said those words you always say and I cried
I've gotta figure out what's going on
Inside this head of mine, I try
I'm going crazy thinkin' 'bout the way
I shouldn't have left it all behind
But now I'm gone and somethings wrong
I changed my mind

I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind

I saw you just the other day
Those feelings never went away
And I smiled
I told you I'll be back
And I want us to be friends
And we'll be alright
Don't know what to say
It's getting harder everyday
But it takes time
You should know I'm coming home, standby

I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind

And as the time passes by I fall asleep,  without you by my side
I go out of my mind
Remembering the way we were before.
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time
And though you're out of sight
You're never ever out of my mind
Oh no, no no no, ooh, ooh
I'm so in love with you
I don't know what to do this time

It could be meant to be!

So lately I've been doing a lot of running in and out of doctors offices, this all started (not talking about July 2010...but) not too long ago! We can take it back to the 15th of June actually! Gary and I finished eating our lunches when my body just... died. I say 'died' because I couldn't move. I couldn't lift my arms. I couldn't carry my pack-pack (the brown back-pack that is always on me). I could not walk and I could hardly stand up even with Gary's help. See, this has happened to me before but that was like two years ago when I assumed I had diseCeliac ase and all the other fun stuff that comes with it...like a dead body from trying too hard to digest food too fast.
Worried as heck, Gary practically carries me out to the car and rushes us to the hospital. Well, the hospital is super expensive so maybe the urgent care center? We checked in and talked to the receptionist when she told us that we should go somewhere else to be seen. She said that what we had to get done would be considerably cheaper at a family clinic. We agreed and practically flew down the block to the same family practice I've visited so many times before for other health problems. Little did we know that all these health problems are related.
Almost an hour too late! The clinic was closed and we had to wait till Monday to be seen!
Well Monday rolls around and I called the clinic to make an appointment as soon as they opened and they were able to squeeze me in, in two hours! Gary called in sick to work to be able to be there for me which was awesome. I hate going to the doctors by myself! But boy, oh boy, have I learned not to take Gary to the doctors as my support system! Gary's all, "Mercedes, you just need to eat more fiber..." when the doctor more than just agrees with him, "You know Mercedes, Gary is right!" I'm like, "Don't tell him that..." his head doesn't need to be any bigger... Just kidding... :-/    but really.
So the doctor's and doctor Gary's orders were in mind and we're off to the Cost of Co! I was feeling much better than I was that weekend. Thank goodness. We loaded up on fiber, digestive gummies, and something else I can't remember. Whatever it was, it was important I'm sure!
Oh, it was Crystal Light. Cause every time I go to the doctor (and also talk to doctor Gary) they always say I'm dehydrated. So there we go.
For the next couple of days he was practically filling my throat with things that I couldn't stand! Mainly water! Yucky! But miraculously, I felt better. So I figured it was time to take a break from all the spoon-feeding and chugging water as a sort of reward for feeling better for once!

******************************

I was feeling super fresh, man.
So I kept the good vibes going and went to go get a hair cut! All thanks to my inspiration Julianne Hough on Safe Haven! She is so GORGEOUS!!! I wanted my hair to look just like hers! Unfortunately, mine isn't nearly as thick...or blonde... nor will it ever be. But it's short!
Gary didn't like it... He always told me that girls with short hair look like boys! I can see how he would think that but come on! This was no pixie hair cut! I was certain that my hair looked adorable! The girls at the salon even had to take a picture!! But no, our disagreement on that, and the new $15 shirt I bought, was enough to push both of us over the edge...
Things had been going so well...
On the outside...
We have a tendency to keep our feelings about each other on the inside.
Until one of us does something so incredibly stupid, it's silly, we just let it all go!
All that night my stomach was turning. I knew he would get use to the hair eventually, probably around the same time that it grows back out. ;)
The next morning I had a meeting with a therapist, after telling her how I feel and expressing all the feelings I should have said to Gary...she got the load all at once... she sent me to the hospital. Umm.. Yeah.
So I checked myself into the Emergency Room to take a psychiatric evaluation. I sat in the ER for hours while doctor after doctor rushed into my room. Quite honestly I didn't see what the problem was! After getting all of the first Doc's test results back I was reassured that I did not have Celiac disease, and my thyroid wasn't dying! Those were the tests from the first doctors appointment that week. So then these next set of doc's are asking me all these physical health questions and doing an EKG and everything else under the sun... They told me that I was 100% healthy! Sweet!!!
But wait.
Why do I get so sick all the time?
In comes the crisis counselor. He tells me I'm probably depressed, under a lot of stress, and in a not-too-healthy relationship. Add all of those up and you get one psycho chick who's getting sick just from her own nerves! Silly me! So Mr. Crisis led me upstairs to the Mental Health part of the hospital where I was stripped of all of my belongings and was treated like a child then left alone. I didn't need to be in there, I thought to myself, they've got it all wrong. There was one kid detoxing and another chick who looked super anorexic. I was just in an unhealthy relationship!! Time heals this one, I'm sure.
But then dinner came and I was all of the sudden more than pleased to stay the night! ...or two...
I called my step dad and he called my mom to tell her I was held hostage in the hospital and needed some feminine things... Leave it to Super-Step-Dad! He calls in when the phone was answered and put on speaker... He very proudly announces to just about the whole world, "I'm here for Mercedes number ****, I have her UNDERWEAR!!!" The whole department just burst into laughs!!! So even though it was after curfew, they had to let him up!
The place was chill, we all just ate snacks and hung out! 9:45 I decided to be tired so they gave me some sort of drug to help with my anxiety and one to sleep and it knocked me out numb!
Bright and early the next day my head was POUNDING!!! Never, ever, ever has it ever hurt that bad! I couldn't see anything, I was super dizzy, and my whole body hurt with a 100 pound ball sitting on the top of it all just killing me! A few mixes of drugs and a few naps throughout the day I was finally a little better. That was horrible. But the worst part was, they kept interrupting my needed naps for some stupid group thing!! Ugh.

******************************

I wasn't allowed to have my cell phone and since I was expecting a call (and honestly hoping that Gary had tried to get ahold of me since our last fight...I missed him so bad), they let me check my phone right in front of them. I did have a missed call! AND A VOICEMAIL!!!! I instantly jumped for joy not knowing what it was but desperately hoping it was my ticket out and.... It was! I accidentally listened to the message on speaker so everyone heard the job get offered to me!
I didn't know too much about it, but what I did know was that I would just be driving around all day! Ha, I can do that! I got the job! Yes!!
Since they didn't prescribe me anything, and since I guess I was there on my own will, I could leave! Ha, I wish I knew that sooner! I didn't really want to be there! It was nice though, just a small break from reality. An expensive break, I'm sure!
So just yesterday (Monday the 24th) I went to the first day of training for my new job. It was awesome! But the best part was (today) I got a better understanding of what I would be doing and what kind of environment this was. It is called Provo Canyon School and it is a mental health facility. As we practiced ways to communicate better and especially to listen, I came to a sweet realization that this is just what I needed.
This is where I can become better. I can become healthy. I can learn how to share my feelings and emotions with Gary without curling up my fists and blowing smoke out my ears!

This is perfect. :)

Things should be looking up from now on, I talked to Gary about the communication thing and he's willing to work on it with me. So now we're both learning, together. If our relationship can benefit from this that would be marvelous but if it doesn't...I think I might be able to handle it a little bit better than I have in the past. This is great! I definitely believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and as long as we keep him in our hearts, he'll lead us exactly to where we're suppose to be. :)

Thanks for reading this one! I know it's a long one but I think it's worth the read!
Happy Tuesday all!
-Mercedes Poole

Not-Engaged-Bride-Zilla On The Loose!

I'll bet you're wondering what this one is about? Well "Sugar Lips", I know you're my number one fan so I'll let you in on a little secret... I'd like to call it, what I do when you're not around!

Way back when I was about 4 and playing with my Barbie's I ALWAYS had Barbie and Ken get married. I put the girl dolls in dresses and would do their hair (only sometimes the hair melted from the curling iron ... lol) oh, so pretty for Ken or whatever else I would name the boy doll. His name usually came from the boy down the street who I had a crush on! Then they would walk down the isle... And then Ken would kiss the bride!

*18 Years Later*

I have the Pinterest app on my smartphone absolutely loaded with headliners such as "Great Style" "See You in White" "Dream Home" "Work It" and even an "I Miss You" for when the relationship is getting kind of rocky. I might not have everything sitting in a shed somewhere or even a hope chest full of my dream decorations.... But thanks to Pinterest and my mom working at Dillard's, I'm able to at least pin every idea or put the things I just so happen to stumble upon, on hold. You never know what you might find!

Yes. I am that girl. I went out to buy a wedding dress just barely a week after my boyfriend said the word, "Wedding." Turns out it was perfect timing! I got the dress of my dreams at a price my parents could afford! Unfortunately for me... that kind of drove him away for a few minutes... But I could not let us stop there! We were planning our lives together and I was NOT about to let this one get away! A few months passed and I was able to gather quite a few things. I have the dress, the shoes, the ring bearer pillow, the flower basket, the garders, the preserving kit, our Smash Book, picture frames, and the sleeves for the dress are coming tomorrow!

I'm not so sure that Gary approves of all this girly/frilly/shiny stuff. I think he's afraid that his man-card might be shrinking... This relationship sure is a strange one! I've asked so many married (old and young) guys about what they had a say for their weddings. The music was about it. Oh, and the color of their own underwear of course. Gary actually wants a say in everything about the wedding! We picked out the rings together, we both put in our say for the colors (he likes dark blue, I like a corally pink, and my dress is champagne), we haven't had any disagreements on the venues, and we already have our brides maids and groomsmen pick out! No argues on any of these. BUT we are having the hardest time thinking of a date! I would be more than happy with an end of September-early October wedding. He, on the other hand, would like to get married 5 years down the road! 5 years!!! We agreed on a date once upon a time, March 21st. So! Seeing as he's making this monstrous sacrifice for me... That, being getting married before he is financially stable. I'm thinking I should hold off on my September-October dreams. Which I'm okay with. :)
But still! March 21st is in just over 9 months!! NINE MONTHS!!! The clock is ticking! Today I was able to find both (Katie, the flower girl and little Mercedes, the one to hold my train) the little girls dresses which are ADORABLE!!! I have found our engagement outfits for a way good price! Once again, all thanks go to my mom at Dillard's for being able to hold these items and also to Gary for the approval.
Everything is falling into place! Gary just laughs at me when I tell him all this... Ha, he says, "We're not engaged YET!!" Well, I think he may have gotten a little frustrated with me when I handed him a paper that said, "Wedding Guest List" ... Maybe that was going a little too far... But hey! This all has to get done at some point! I'm not 100% sure that he's got the ring yet... It's definitely not on my finger! But that's aside the point! We know we're going to get married and unless he wants me to freak out at the last second because nothing is ready then I highly suggest he lets me get started!
Uh-oh. Bridezilla on the loose... Yikes!

Yeah. We're probably normal.

I live in an awesome home. No sarcasm there. I love everyone SO MUCH!! So, I ask myself; why am I only there every other three days? Is it because that's how long Gary and I can be together without getting in too big of a dispute or start to get bored with each other? Is it because I am trying to be independent? Or is it because life at home gets so rocky, so often?
When I'm around... It is drama-free. Most of the time. Make that about 60% of the time. We all get along, we all do everything together, we generally share the same views, and we generally don't step on each others toes... Probably because we don't like it when our toes are stepped on. Maybe that's just my view.
But then I leave for my usual couple of days and come back and someone wants to move out and someone else wants a divorce and another someone just got done crying from just one someone who usually can't keep their tone down oh, but it wasn't their fault.... Holy freak! When did all of this happen? WHAT HAPPENED??? And why can't any of this happen when I'm there?
I'm definitely the type of person to intervene. If two people are being stupid and both saying silly things that should have no relevance whatsoever in this life.... I like to step in. Sometimes it can be fun. You know, gotta laugh somehow!
The last time I can remember being able to cut-in (strongly NOT advised. EVER.) was just a few months ago. A simple misunderstanding, an act of jealousy and egotistical immaturity, turned into WW4759 in my family! I wish I could say I let things run their course but when two men that are so important to me (other than Gary) get in a heated discussion about nothing.... I just had to step in. Little ol' me didn't do any good between two large men easily both twice my size. Let's just take a minute and thank The Lord that nobody was hurt. Physically. As for me, my heart was shattered into a million pieces. These two men that I had looked up to so much in my life were acting like children towards each other.
I had to let them know how that affected my view towards them, and same with the family, mostly me though.
Aside from big boys fighting, what else does every fight need?
A victim.
Not just any victim! But someone who is really in the wrong but cries the loudest to cause more havoc. Someone who can't take the blame, never will take the blame, and will always play/become the victim. No names needed.
Through a weird series of apologies and awkward hugs I am proud to say that this family is (for the most part) back to normal. Well... That's what I thought. Till I got home tonight after yet, another one of my few day trips, everyone seemed normal. Almost too normal. They weren't talking to each other... But they weren't sad or mad. Not on the outside at least... I figured it's because their favorite show was on. One went to bed only saying goodnight to me, when the other says he has to go to the courthouse tomorrow. In all honesty I thought that one of his ex-wives had called him there. But no. He's going for divorce papers.
This caught me so off guard. He must be kidding. They seemed fine! They seemed good! And happy! Why, oh why do these things have to happen? That wasn't the only piece of news that caught me off guard. I learned that one of my old best friends was also getting a divorce. What is the world coming to? Why can't people just STAY IN LOVE??? Would it be better to never love at all? Family or friends? Is this all just a big miscommunication? Someone please tell me, is this normal? Is my family normal???  Is quitting normal? Or hiding ones feelings and emotions from their partner...normal? Is falling in and out of love so drastically...normal? Actually, what IS normal?
Questioning everything I've ever known...for the second time... I wonder, is it me? It must be. Does my family not fight when I'm around because I'll tell them that they are being inappropriate? Do I act the way I do in my relationships because of what I've seen or grown up with? Does everybody?
Someone tell me... Is this normal? .......??

JOURNEY JOURNAL: Trip #2

This was basically spur of the moment. After getting into a reoccurring argument with my friend I decided I've got to get the freak away from here. I told my parents I was going to California to free myself for a few days... or weeks... they decided that I should take my sister just so I wasn't going alone. Of course they were concerned about my safety. They willingly donated funds into my account so that I could make it and have a good time with a full stomach and just like that, I was gone.
Day 1: Bon Voyage!!
We loaded up the Rav, took out the seats and made a bed with blankets and boogie boards. Time for take off! We were off to a good start at a perfect time of night. 7 pm. Just after we got in the car the rain started pouring. How convenient! It cleared up about an hour into the drive where we were passing super small towns with barely even a gas station in their posession. I was getting absolutely horrible gas mileage and didn't know why.. so we stopped in Scipio to put air in the tires and to our surprise, we found a petting zoo! At first, a peacock crossing the road caught our attention and led our attention to a zebra! A zebra in the middle of nowhere! Imagine that! All we could do was laugh when we figured out that this small town had a petting zoo but no air pump for my tires. Of course. That was about the time I quit driving. We had a 12 hour drive ahead of us and I was done driving! With Chelsey driving we were finally able to find air. Who would've thought that was so hard?? We jammed out to T-Swift and hearing all of her horrible luck with guys I could only think about mine. I was wishing so bad that my friend and I hadn't gotten into a fight the other night so I wouldn't have wanted to get away so bad.
We were basically starving right after that petting zoo adventure, but the plan was that we would eat when we got to St. George. We found a Village Inn to stop at around 11 pm. See, Chelsey and I are basically old people now. We usually go to bed around like 9. So 11 was super late for us and I'm sure you know what happens when it's super late! Chelsey said, "I should get a job here!" Without hesitation I said, "Yeah, Denny's is always hiring." Chelsey started to bust up laughing saying, "..this isn't Denny's..." hahaha good times.
Day 2: We've ALL Got The Munchies!!
After camping in the car at some rest stop, we were waking up with the sun! Chelsey drove there so I figured I could do a couple more hours to the beach. :) By the way, thank you Chelsey for driving the whole way (basically to and from Cali.) "Your destination is on your right." We looked around and saw nothing but big buildings, dirty people, and lots of cars. Hardly the San Diego we were expecting. The beach was nowhere. So I guess we just had to keep driving! Very irritated, we got back on the freeway and took a random exit which landed us right in the middle of this very cramped but still very adorable little neighborhood called Ocean Beach. We found 24 hour parking practically on the shore. Everything was perfect. The day was easily wasted away. We slept and showered on the beach which was... awesome. We were going to be beach bums for a whole week! Taking turns getting dressed in the back of the car we were ready for some exploring of the town we were planning on staying in. Looking back on this, I still think that a farmer's market was the absolute best way to get to know our neighbors. Our. Stoned. Neighbors. Everyone was high. Everyone. We ended the day with a large bag of Doritos and Oreos while waiting for the sun to set over the beautiful ocean. The place was crowded. Obviously this was an everyday event. Just as we're admiring the sunset and trying to keep our valuables from all the passing strangers, one stops by us. He was friendly... I guess. But isn't everyone friendly when they're completely stoned off their butts? He didn't have much to say to us besides speaking for the whole town he said, "We've all got the munchies, huh?!?!" And just like that... He was off! .........And so were we!
Day 3: Hobo's for sure!
My sister woke me up around midnight saying that she was exhausted and needed to stop driving. All I could think to say was, "Okay.." and she told me that there was a rest stop coming up that was closed. The next closest one was 100 MILES AWAY!!!! So mean, ol' Mercedes told her to keep driving! haha I was ready to go home, I wanted to get there... I just didn't want to have to drive. If it were up to me I would have turned the freaking car around when I got to Nephi! I'm such a pansy, I know.
It was hot the next morning. The sun was more than welcoming us into the new day. Time to drive. We stopped on what's basically the border of California and Nevada just to gamble. I've never done this before... I was so nervous! Let's just say that I didn't lose my money... And I really want to try again... No, I'm not addicted. :-/ It was too bad that Chelsey couldn't stay at the slots with me, turns out she was really good luck that day! We tried our hands at the scratch and win cards and yes... we lost all of our money with those! We won a few dollars here and there, don't worry! Time to gas up the car and we were on our way back home.
Wait. Back home already? Why? Oh, because we ran out of money (not including the money we had set aside for gambling) and I had a whole bunch of bills coming up. I was stressed and missed my man too bad. It was nice though, it was fun and we didn't even fight! So thank you Brandon Baker for donating to our Random Trip Fund, and thanks mom for letting me borrow your favorite daughter for a few days. But I do have to apologize, sorry we weren't gone longer! I promise to make the trip again soon!

No make-up? No problem!

Gary and I took a random trip to some Tuscan restaurant up in Salt Lake and immediately felt out of place! I mean, we felt like we fit in with the other customers...you know...you kind of feel welcome when the old lady across the isle from you keeps trying to butt in on your conversation. Who wouldn't feel welcome? But just not with the worker's there. Gary looked nice, fitted jeans, shirt with a hula girl on it... Basically a perfect summer's outfit! I, on the other hand was rockin' the fish-tail braid (done by Gary... Props.), my lace and striped peasant blouse with coordinating colored jeans... Not too bad, not too bad at all. One problem. I wasn't wearing any make-up. See, this wasn't an only occurrence, I NEVER wear make-up in the summer! I never thought anyone would care and especially not treat me badly because of it. I assumed that was the case seeing as everything else was fine about me. Sure, I may have a tendency to look about 4 1/2 years old without make-up... But that is aside the point. One's customer service shouldn't change because of how one looks! Especially when that server is depending on a tip!! Come on now.
This restaurant was definitely something different. We were instructed to find our own seats by the hostess. That was strange. Then it only took about 5 minutes for them to get us menus. Another 15 for water. Then we met our server. She looked us up and down, then again, probably to see what she was getting into. Immediately she left us alone and basically avoided us the rest of the day (we were there for a VERY long time waiting on food and servers...and rating our experience of course). Time after time she would walk past our table asking everyone around us how they were doing...stop to look at us...then keep walking.
Horrible customer service, RIGHT!?
Gary does this thing, he assumes that people are just going through a hard time and that's why they're grumpy or inadequate, so when I would love to cause a scene and take it up with the manager... He simply gives them a large tip as a pick-me-up. Usually.
I'm not sure if it was just how this particular lady was treating us but my self-esteem took a very intense nose-dive to the ground. It was obvious to Gary how I felt. I looked around at all the other people that were getting so much attention, positive attention. I wondered what the heck it could be! Oh, of course. The other ladies that were here were wearing about four inches of make-up on their faces! I'm sure their boyfriends didn't do their hair. And they all had gaudy jewelry on. And heels, not flip-flops. That's must be it. They are actually trying to impress people.
But it is SUMMERTIME for crying out loud!!!
After being there for just over an hour and a half (of straight waiting) she finally comes back with our check. I was thoroughly unimpressed with the whole restaurants service and, for some reason, had lost all confidence in my summer glow. Gary reached into his wallet to pull out a tip when out of jealousy and spite, I'm sure, I took the ONE DOLLAR that he had set aside for her and shoved it into my purse! She did NOT deserve this one dollar! She should just be grateful that I didn't cause a scene about what a bad word she was being!!
I put the dollar bill back, don't worry....
But still, that got me thinking. Were we treated that way because of how we looked? That must be it. I mean, the lady across the isle thought we were great company! This incident... It changes the way I'll look at people from now on.
I was sick with guilt the whole time just remembering back about a year ago when I was working at Dillard's. A couple came into the store about 5 minutes before we closed. I already had one register counted. I was not about to wait for them. They raced up to me as I took my time looking them up and down. The guy was wearing ripped jean shorts with a wife-beater on, ripped tennis shoes, and a very old hoody wrapped around his waist. His (assumed) wife was not looking very much more impressive. I told them that I could not help them with what they were doing and that it was crazy to find one missing shoe in the middle of this large sale AND find the box they go in. I was instructed to not waist my time doing that for anyone. They found it all about 5 minutes after we had closed. Sure it was late and I had already worked a 12 hour shift but that was wrong of me, I shouldn't have given up on them and had them do all the work they did by themselves...especially since they were about the only ones in the whole store. They complained to me about my inability to help. I assured them that everything was okay and basically that they would survive... It was because of the large sale that made everything difficult. They asked to speak to my manager, Dan. And they did. He called me a few minutes later, laughing. He described the couple to me, their anger, and the silly situation. What snobs we were being. After this wondrous guilt-memory had taken me over... And feeling the way I did from the server... I was appalled at my actions and decided to be done. I made a decision right there and then to NEVER treat anyone like they were below me again. And whoever you are, reading this, I urge you to do the same. Fact is, it doesn't matter where we shop, what we eat, how we choose to do our make-up (or not), or how we're dressed while we shop or eat out... We're still all children of Heavenly Father. He loves us just the way we are... And it's about time we learn to all love each other just the same. Thank you all for reading this!

My SCARY Imagination!

During scary movies is one thing...but then you have to face the dark and all the unknown that comes with it, including your imagination. All through my growing up years, I'll bet I had seen EVERY scary movie out there! I grew up watching South Park (the alien episodes especially), The X-Files, all Friday the 13th movies, and everything else that was scary. Between my uncle Max who had every scary movie under the sun, my friend Nate who thrives off of everything sick and twisted, and my dad who grew up with that life style as well, I was more than covered with my fair share of scary movies.
 I was so scared of everything! Including behind the shower curtain and under the car! I'm not affirming this but there might be a very small chance that I'm still afraid... Not because of anything that I've really seen, of course, but because of my stinkin' (well fed) imagination! It runs wild and there is nothing I can really do about it! What kind of running wild, one might ask? Ha, well I have a few examples.
It was way back when I lived in Pleasant Grove. I was pretty young but still loved to cook. I remember holding a pot of Mac-N-Cheese and facing the hallway. Nobody else was in the room or anywhere near me for that matter. I had previously learned that an elderly couple had died in that apartment (could be a false rumor) and that right there gave my imagination the wheels to start turning. I stood there while made up images ran through my mind of someone rounding the corner, someone I didn't know. Not sure where this thought came from! I then imagined that I dropped my macaroni! Oh no! I became terrified as if this actually happened! What if someone DID just come out of the bedrooms that nobody knew was there? It weighed on my mind so much that when my 7th grade drama teacher gave us an assignment of turning an experience into an act I somehow convinced my group to reenact my imagination! It only took a couple of days after the act was over for me to realize how incredibly stupid that must have been. I just might still be only a little embarrassed to this day.

There were a few years where I took every opportunity I could get to watch scary movies! I loved the thrills and the twists! One could easily say that I was obsessed. Most of the scary movie marathons were held at Nate's home which was just a few blocks away from my house. The movie would end and I would assume everything was okay. But then I had to face the dark. I had to drive home alone! I all of the sudden lost all courage that ever crept into my tiny, little body. What if someone was in my car? What if someone was under my car?? What would I do!? A hop, jump, and a leap into the drivers seat I quickly turn on every light in the entire car to check the back seat. My heart is pounding, ready to expect the worst... Phew... The coast is clear. Now, all I had to do was drive up the street. Easy, right?
As I'm driving up the road I catch something moving in my car out of the corner of my eye. It was my imagination! Nothing was really there! Oh then there it is again! Of course I'm freaking out by then. Turns out it was just the shadow from the street lamp posts. I called my sister about half way home. She was super mad at me for waking her up and would NOT be so great and meet me outside of the house to walk me in! So I called mom. She was in bed too. Go figure. The lights were all off outside of the house and all I had were my headlights. But how would I be able to get inside the safe house without leaving the car and its lights on? Think, Mercedes... Oh! When the garage opens a light turns on! Sweet. But, the garage is super scary. Do I really want to do this? I open the garage and something big and black comes running my way! It barks and jumps on the drivers' side window!
What the heck?? Just then my step dad, Brandon comes outside to see what all the noise is about. He flicks on the front lights and his face is covered in horror mixed with confusion as he sees me absolutely terrified and still in the car after a good half hour of being home. I mustered up the confidence to open the door then to bend down and pet the dog that basically saved me by getting Brandon's attention.
Just then, a car drives by and yells something. I'm not sure who it was, what they said, or really what happened. The next thing I remember is seeing this RED CIRCLE come straight to my face! I felt like I was in a dream. No night could ever be this bad. I turned my face while doing this weird inhale scream thing. Something hit my face and I wasn't sure if it was wet or if I was bawling. My step dad CRACKS UP laughing! I literally curled up in a ball and tried to catch my breath. I was so scared.  ....
It took me a few minutes to gather myself and remember all the poor people I've nailed with water balloons. It sure scared the freak out of me! Congrats to whoever did it though, you picked the perfect night to scare someone! I'm so glad I can laugh about this night when at the time I thought it was so traumatic!
That was the Summer I quit watching scary movies. Not just because of that but because I'm pretty sure the house that I lived in after that was straight up haunted. But that's another story for another time! No more scary movies for me EVER AGAIN! So...to go with all of this...I've learned my lesson on water ballooning. It's only fun if you know it's coming! :-/ And don't worry, my imagination has calmed down. Let's hope!

Oh you know, just me in a nut shell. :)

Through these twisted series of games I'd like to call life, I've learned a thing or two about myself. Like for example, I am certain that I have Carnophobia. I am DEATHLY AFRAID of meat!! Killing animals? No big deal. Opening and examining them? Sinch. Eating them? Holy freak count me out!!
I gain love-hate relationships easily... Too easily. With what? Oh just the basics... Sleep... Working out... Cookies and cream anything... Or just food in general.
I love to sleep. But the problem is, is if I want to continue to sleep at night...I'll have to actually get up in the day! It may sound easy to you but it is anything but that for me!
Working out is awesome. I have all of those inspirational quotes and picks and "Reason # ... 's" And I love, love, love the way I feel and look AFTER I go work out... It's just the getting up and going just to give me a cramp or pee my pants cause I don't have any muscles down there part that I don't necessarily love.
So on top of all that, I am addicted to candy and ice cream. Correction: I am addicted to cookies and cream ice cream and the candy bars. There is no possible way that I can live without them. Especially when my mom keeps taking me out to eat Costa Vida, after all that salt I'm gonna need somethin to satisfy my sweet tooth. :)
Speaking of sweet teeth... My Gary Beary is another thing I can't live without. I've learned that I become quite dependent on what other people (he) thinks of me. Maybe that's not such a good thing! He is great though. He encourages me to speak my mind, he is always there to hug me, and best of all, he thinks I'm cute. :) Someday we'll get married. I hope. This subject is particularly hard for me...seeing that I'm already a mom with only stretch marks to prove... I have a very strong need to begin my own family. But he doesn't have that need...or want. Not yet at least.
I am not brave. I could not muster up the confidence I needed to tell my baby boy happy birthday on his April 4th. And then I had planned on writing a blog to all mothers of all kinds to say happy mother's day...but it never happened either. I did, however, have the chance to bare my testimony last Sunday... I'm thankful that the Spirit got me up there I just wish it would've helped me not stumble over my words so much... hahaha... I'm sure there was more than just one sentence that I didn't finish.
I am addicted to dresses and skirts. I believe that only boys should be allowed to wear pants. I'm very old fashioned like that. I always catch myself wanting to watch black and white movies and pretending that I'm living in that era too!
I have a reoccuring dream about three times a week. It's where my teeth fall out. It doesn't hurt. They just get loose and I push them out. One after another. Then I set them all down in front of me and wonder what I'll do next and how much that will cost. Then I wake up. I have always been curious about the meaning of dreams... Especially that one.
I don't believe that cats are important or ever were... Please don't give me that mummy/Egyptian crap. Cats shed and demand too much attention. And they stink. I also believe that dogs should never be inside the house. If it's cold outside, they can sit in the garage. I don't love animals. I do love to slam on my gas when one is crossing the street though! On the contrary, my little sister Chelsey is just like that Elmyra (character from looney tunes) or whatever her name was... "I'll love you for ever and ever and ever..." as she suffocates the poor animal to death in her chest. lol Too much of a good thing I guess.
I think that Weezer is the greatest band that ever existed.
I believe that life should be full of spontaneous acts and every moment should be lived to its fullest.
And last of all, of course the best of all too, family. I've never been one to care about money. I usually have sufficient for my needs. That's not how I consider success. I think that the bigger the family... the better! That right there shows how well off one is.

Thanks so much for reading! And as usual, tell me what you think!!

Just TRUST Me

One sunny afternoon I was working in the outside kiosk at The Wiggy Wash. I was a cashier. Meaning that when customers came up for something I would have to up-sell products or washes and then write some weird numbers on their windshield with soap. Love that. One customer came up and was on the phone. I listened in on his conversation as he said, "I don't know what to do! We just ordered so many new tires and we don't have anyone to sell them to!" I perked up, remembering how my Mercury Sable was in DESPERATE need of new tires saying, "I need new tires!" I didn't catch the name on the name tag or anything but he looked all official decked out in labels of car brands and in a truck to match... He looked trusting, to say the least. Without hesitation, or introducing either of us during our half-a-second conversation I hand him the keys to the first car I've ever bought and demand that he leaves his new truck.
No big deal. I spaced it out. A couple hours later... Still no sign of him. My mind starts racing of all the things that could and probably are going wrong. Was there anything valuable in my car? I forgot but I sure hope not! He left his truck, yeah, but what if he stole that one and now has mine!? Absolutely freaking out by now, I pull up my not-so-smart-phone and try to find all of the tire places around The Wiggy Wash. I only found 15. What could I expect? It was Spanish Fork for crying out loud! After being made fun of by just about all the guys I worked with they told me who that guy was and where his shop was located. Oh, you could only imagine how furious I was for my stupidity and especially for all the guys who encouraged my worries.

A few months later, my Mercury Sable was rear-ended by some moron driving 60 in a 30 zone and slamming on his gas when everyone else was peacefully stopped at a red light. He totalled my car. Ugh. So there I was, not even a year after buying that one...I was already looking for something else.
I was always so embarrassed for how long that other car was. I wanted something compact. Something that would get me better gas mileage. After searching KSL for about a month and a half I finally found a cute little Volkswagon Cabrio which landed right in my price range. I bought it immediately! It was from a family who claimed to be selling it for their brother that was out on a mission. I judged them too quickly...assuming they were honest people. They said the car was great, no body damage, the roof needed to be replaced, and that it passed safety and emissions with flying colors. They signed over the clean title to me and I signed to buy it "as-is." But that's okay, I trusted them.
To my surprise and complete disappointment, the car was technically totalled. My mechanic, Ray, told me to go get my money back. Turns out, whoever "passed" their emissions lied completely. They actually TOOK OUT the check engine LIGHT BULB so that it wouldn't turn on. That was the least of my problems though. Three times the amount that I bought the car for, I was now upside down with. So I sold it. For less than nothing. That was it for me. I don't want another car!

Till today. I met up with someone who I had been in contact with for quite some time. (The lady high on the food chain looking for a nanny on the post before this one.) She told me that I was perfect for the position and we both agreed to move this interview to the next level by exchanging personal phone numbers, emails, and agreeing to do a background check. She said she has a friend who is a retired detective and he has done this for all of their previous nannies. So, of course.... I trusted her. I obviously never learn from previous experiences. There I go, without even a blink I gave her my drivers license number, social security number, and basically signed my life and semi-good credit away. I didn't think about it. And the conversation went on! She encouraged me to buy a vehicle. Here we go. I found a Rav4 that was totally adorable and somewhat in my price range. So incredibly excited I practically flew to the car dealership and signed papers!
Almost four hours later my phone rang, it was the dealership, they said I got approved for the loan. That was marvelous! Except one thing. What if this lady doesn't hire me? What if she does and then she FIRES me?? What if the pay is nothing like what she said it would be and I come out upside down in yet, another car!? All of these things flying around in my mind. I calm down just enough to realize I gave her my SSN. SHE COULD TAKE MY IDENTITY in half of a second if she really wanted to!!!!!!!!

Now, with nothing else to do but wait...I wonder why. Why do I do this all. the. time.? Why? Why do I have so much trust in the fellow-man!?!?

Tomorrow's The BIG DAY

So just read the title. Can you guess what this will be about?
No?
I'll give you a hint.
Two words: JOB. INTERVIEW.
Oh no, don't think this is just any job interview! This is with someone high on a food-chain willing to pay lots and lots of money to have some almost stranger take care of their child for them! The pressure is ON!!!
See why I'm nervous?
No big deal, right?
So lets start with the easy things. Like....what do I eat today that won't affect me tomorrow morning?
Honey Chex with bananas and soy milk. Feelin' good! Then Costa Vida veg. salad. Feeling bloated... Pretty sure the seams on my dress snapped just a little. So then I'm stressed. Time for feel-good food. Ice cream. Popcorn. Candy bar. And Sprees. Oh, and orange juice.
So the feel-good food didn't feel so good. The stress is showing. I already showered for the day so I better be careful what I do to my face. Blemishes come out of nowhere. Typical. Now I look like Scar Face and am pretty sure I won't fit into my biggest sweats.
That's okay! As long as I have a pretty dress I should be fine, right? Right! (Totally not becoming psycho just thinking about how I have nothing to wear.) Time to call in the big dogs.
Mommy comes over to help. She's suggesting a tee, sweater, khakis and Sperry's...WTF? Mother! This is a breakfast interview! Not a day at the park! We settle on two dresses. Now which one?
It's okay. I can sleep on it.
Sleep.
Oh, the inevitable is about to happen.
Nightmares.
Nightmares of me sleeping through my alarm clock, eventually showing up to breakfast wearing nothing, always being late and laughed at. Then I'll wake up about three minutes before the alarm clock goes off in real life.  If I remember to set it.
If I get any sleep at all...that is how it will go down.
So say that all goes down. What happens next?
Oh yes, the two dresses that I've decided to choose from now don't work and I'll need something that I don't have. Time to improvise. Oh no. Now I'm running late and need to do my hair! I showered the night before so my hair is soft and won't hold a curl! I guess I'll throw it up. Make up. Who wears make up anymore? Well, that's what I'll be saying when I look less than impressive with my probably wrinkley outfit, my hair falling out, and no make up on. Nice.
So I leave a safe two hours early. Knowing me, I'll drive 55 mph. Knowing Salt Lake drivers, there'll be 12 crashes, 1000 rubber-neckers going 5 mph. I should've left sooner. When I FINALLY find parking I grab my purse only to realize...I've forgotten my resume.

Things just don't get any better than this, now do they?

So here's what I'll do to prevent all of that.
GET IT READY TONIGHT!!!

I hope all is good in the end. I hope I get the job. I hope I triple-check my alarm clock. I hope I have good news to blog about next. And I hope someone is looking out for me up above.

The Perks of Childbirth

We've all heard the same things like, "You'll crave weird things one second and hate them the next..." or "You think you gotta pee now? Oh, just wait..." and "Don't get too attached to your food! You'll be throwing it up here any, oh there it goes..." then "You'll start to feel some 'pressure' towards the end..." Well yes, that is sort of how it goes. Lets just say that most of those are understatements. Not only that, but those are also the most common ones! Don't believe that's all it, though. There are still more problems to come! For example, one can develop strange allergies, taste aversion doesn't go away, and your ribs become a jungle gym. There's also a reason why they don't want you to eat or drink before or during the birthing process. Then the aftermath, whether it's bladder problems, eating problems, weight problems, your foot and hip size, the loss of hair, and of course, your tightness and the lack thereof...problem... It's all a good time, really! :)
I'm guessing that these were all forgotten by most mothers along with the pain of the actual baby-coming-out part. Now, my story isn't like everyone else's. I was very blessed through the whole thing (meaning that I didn't throw up...just yet) but I still had my fair share of complications!
The first thing that hit me was, of course, the bladder. My sweet, sweet grandpa decided that when he was putting internet into my room that the internet cord should be able to reach the bathroom in case I needed to do homework while doing the unmentionable. Ha, just for convenience, of course. What a sweet soul.
Not too much later I was hit with allergies. I tried to eat some yogurt with raspberry preserves and my tongue and throat swelled up! I was freaking out! I've never been allergic to ANYTHING!! Little to my knowledge, that was normal. I also didn't know that that was only the beginning of my allergies!
I lived in Moroni in a small blue house behind a gas station which was kiddie corner to a Mexi/American restaurant called Juanita's. The name suits it I guess. You would think that since it's the only restaurant in Moroni, the quality would be ... bearable. But it's not. Especially not for a preggo chick! Everyday I craved a burrito from there. Ooh how heavy the grease feels when it hits your tongue... Or that feeling that you'd be better off dead, it's so addicting. I had it one time when I was pregnant. I couldn't finish it. And the worse thing was, I couldn't throw it up, either. But the smell, oh that disgusting smell that I had craved for months before this! I now knew what taste aversion meant. Just looking at the place still makes me want to hurl. That might be the only thing that affected me like that.
Nearing the last few months your ribs should be feeling weary... Don't think it's ALL due to the fact that some creation of you and someone else is growing inside you causing it to stretch apart. No. He/she has discovered your ribs. They have in fact become some sort of park for the little one. I hear it's dark and boring in those wombs. I'd look for something to play on too! But beware, the perfect time of play is when you are trying to go to sleep so plan accordingly! And then after the babe comes out they have to reshape themselves, basically means that they could fit together tighter making you smaller. Now that's an interesting process! One of the few perks. :)
Ha, this one might be my favorite. Now, when the doctor says "No food or drink during the birthing process" ...they mean it! I, being a silly little girl, decided that doctors didn't know what they were talking about and they definitely didn't know how darn thirsty I was! So when they weren't around I had multiple people run and grab lots and lots of lemonade for me to drink in between pushes. Having only the hamburger I had the night before this night, all the sugar water they deposited into my arm, and too much lemonade...let's just say that I finally threw up... and to my surprise it tasted AMAZING!!! Hahahaha
Then there's after the birth, I woke up the next morning, baby was in the nursery all safe and sound when a nurse came in to tell me I should probably order something for breakfast. So I stood up (amazed I could stand), I reached for the phone and noticed that there was something warm on my feet. What could it be? So I looked down only to find me standing in my own urine. "When did that get there?" I said out loud. The nurses told me that would only be temporary and it probably just happened because of all the drugs I was on. Well...it hasn't really gone away. Oh yes, another perk.
I didn't really have an appetite when I finally got home after the couple of days with the baby. I didn't want to eat anything for a very long time. They said that was normal. But then when I tried to eat...I got sick! All of the sudden I was allergic to milk. What? And then I got tested for celiac disease and had that too! AND gastrointestinal disease. Life was great! I went into the hospital weighing 140. Came out at 138 (lol). And two months later I was down to 104! This was just MARVELOUS!!!!! My breast stayed the same size they were because I didn't breastfeed, I had woman hips, and FINALLY fit into a size zero!!! Oh, but my feet did grow. That was the only awkward part. haha
This was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me!